Mirror-Image

I feel comfortable when I'm comfortable.

The second I feel pushed, I freak.

My prayers become something like, "Um. Lord, I know I'm not supposed to question you, but I was FINE being comfortable! I was FINE being in a place where I knew everything. Where I didn't feel inadequate. Can we just skip this part and go back to that comfortable place?!"

I hate the feeling of not knowing where my foot is going to land next. I'm a "I've-already-planned-twenty-years-ahead-so-you-don't-need-to-mess-with-me" kind of gal.

Come out of the box?! Um, no, thank you. I like my box. I even have my walls decorated. LEAVE ME ALONE!

But no. The pushing and trials comes. And I, scraping at the walls of my comfy (and totally chic) box in an all-out effort to stay in, am forced to come out and play in a world that I don't know.

Nothing seems familiar. No one looks or acts the same as they did when I looked out of my box's peephole. They're not at all who I thought they were.

Here in this world, I see their motives outweigh their conscience. I see their selfishness outweigh their kindness. I see their fears outweigh their trust. I see their hurt outweigh their joy.

And here in this world outside my comfy (and yes, totally chic) box, with these people who aren't at all who I thought they were, I am staring into a full-length mirror.

I never knew I could feel what I've felt in the last few days. I never knew I could see someone I didn't even know so completely and thoroughly.

The mirror has replaced the box, and I'm not entirely sure I ever wanted to know myself this well.

E.N.O.U.G.H.

Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not loved enough. Not healthy enough. Not worthy enough. Not here enough. Not there enough. Not quiet enough. Not caring enough. Not letting go enough. Not forgiving enough.

Just not enough.

And then, I realize, the devil is whispering these things in my vulnerable and oh-so-sensitive ears. And I listen. Ohhh-ho boy, how quickly I listen, and my heart and self-confidence drops about two inches.

You see, these not enough's cover up what God is steadily telling me. And I am oh-so-inclined to listen to the devil before I listen to God and what HE is trying to say to me through these whispers.

The truth is, I am not enough. On my own, I'll never be enough. NO, not even if I am good, smart, loved, healthy, worthy, here, there, quiet, caring, letting go, or forgiving enough, I will still not be ENOUGH. But I have and serve a Savior who makes up for my weakness and is made stronger through my weak times.

Right now, I am so very weak, so He is oh so very strong! So now, I'll rest in His arms knowing I am loved and treasured more than I'll ever know. And His arms are big enough to hold you if you'd let Him...