Tell Me

"How are you?" I ask a passerby in the hallway.

"Fine, thanks." (Her eyes say: But really, I am not fine, because my boyfriend just broke up with me and my mom is a million miles away in a jail because she is hooked on drugs and I don't even know if there is a God listening to me because for so many years, I thought I had the perfect life. The perfect dream life. And like that, it's gone. And now, I'm stuck here. Plugging away at what little future I have left. But I'll spare you all those details because I know you don't want that truth, and just say, "I'm fine.".)

MY heart says: Though I don't know you, I WANT the details. Not because I'd like to spread rumors, degrade you, or any other mean thing. But because I love you. I love your essence. Because there IS a God who listens and loves you to the end of the earth and beyond. Because you're an amazing person with an amazing future if you will just begin being honest with yourself and with me. I am not one of those fake, "How are you" ers. I MEAN How. Are. You? Please, please, please, tell me.

Tell me, so I can pray for you.

Tell me, so I can love on you and be a shoulder for you to lean on.

Tell me, because I know the King of Kings who was willing to lay down His life so that you could live eternally.

Tell me, because I'd be more than happy to introduce Him to you.

Tell me, because you, dear one, are not "fine."

But "Fine, thanks," is all I get, and we walk on. I, never knowing her full story. She, never knowing how much I wanted to listen. To show her SOMEONE cares. In fact, two someones care-God and myself.

Doesn't everybody?

Lately, I've been dealing with having been put on a pedastal for everyone else to look at and judge.

That sounds so silly, but it's true. Because of who my parents are (both in leader positions in people-populated jobs), my every step is monitored. And every step is reported back to my parents. Not that I've tried that last part out. Or that my parents ask for my life to be reported back to them. But it is. Reported back. Not even my buying a Reese goes unnoticed. Ok. Well, maybe there was that one Reese in the bookstore at college that...well, who cares about that?!

My parents trust me. (Good thing.) They know my personal code of morals is high. (Also a good thing.)

But. Everything I do, put on Facebook, say to anyone gets turned into this circus freak show that EVERYONE has to tell EVERYONE else about. Why? Because it's me. Because I am doing it, putting it on Facebook, and telling it. Because I should be perfect.

NEWSFLASH: I'm not. I'm just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God who forgives, unlike some who decide my every move must be labeled and categorized and reported.

I have moments where I melt down. So what? Doesn't everybody?! Don't YOU?! I have a heart. I have feelings. I cry. I laugh. I scream. I'm scared. I'm fearless. I wish. I fail. I dream. I pray. Just. Like. You.

But I'm going to keep giving my life my everything. And you can keep judging me. Doesn't everybody?

One day...

Well, the man of my dreams hasn't been in my dreams lately. In light of nearly all of my friends being married, engaged, or dating, my heart sighs and remembers I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator. One day, a certain guy will steal my breath and make me giggle (take THAT, Mr. Man In My Dreams...you did NOT make me giggle!).

One day, I won't view couples kissing as vomit-inducing. {I HATE pda!}

One day, I won't roll my eyes in the movies when the award-winning kiss is shown {Seriously, who gives awards for THAT?!}.

One day, I won't shudder when I see a girl giggling at a guy doing some stupid something or other. {And I won't view the something or other as stupid either...I'll be all "That's so cute...giggle!"} I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Shudder.

One day, I'll understand why it is women feel the need to spend mass amounts of money on a stupid wedding day {The day won't be stupid to me either...but you probably guessed that.}

When the above happens, feel free to remind me of this post. :)

I'm just going to jump right in and see what we get.

These last 6 months have been so hard. Filled with trials. Filled with heartache.

These last 6 months have been the most proving of my entire life. Trying to prove that I had staying power. Proving that I didn't have any staying power on my own. Proving God is in control. Proving He has my life and my being in His hand completely and fully capable of wrapping me in His love, care, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Nothing happens over night. I get that. Many nights, I went to bed with my heart literally shouting to God, "There is no way I can make it on my own. I am fixing to collapse. Please hold me up!"

And there were many mornings when I realized that God IS holding me up.

And now, I realize that if everything had happened on my time (OVERNIGHT, maybe?!), or the time I thought would be perfect for certain events, my life would be ridiculously unhappy.

Sure, I would have rathered graduate YESTERDAY instead of a year and a half, but I am still thankful that I didn't. That I haven't graduated.

Who knows what's up ahead? I surely don't. Yesterday, I thought FOR SURE, I'd be in bed by now, but God had different plans, and here I am. Writing a blog. At 2:19 a.m. In this moment, I am tired. In this moment, I want to erase everything and go to sleep.

BUT. In this moment, I will choose to publish what's on my heart. Because tomorrow, it might make all the difference in the world.

--J

The day I fell in love...

I did something I didn't know was possible. I fell in love. With a man. Who stole my breath. Made me realize the moment was worth living for. Worth waiting for. Worth every dream I had ever had.

He kissed me gently and told me I was his everything next to God as a light breeze fluffed my hair and ruffled his. I told him his LSU Tigers were competing with my spot in his heart. (JOKING of course...but seriously...he does love them...or he did)

He looked at me with sparkling eyes, as if I was the only thing he could ever see. And I'm pretty sure in that moment, my life changed forever. My view shifted. My heart sighed (you know...that school-girl-movie-style sigh that means the girl is fixing to go gaga over the boy). My toes curled in my bronze glittery flats.

And then, I woke up.

Just a stupid, dumb, irrational, ridiculous, oh-NO-way-was-that-a-dream dream. It was so flawless. So perfect.

And I still think about the stupid, dumb, irrational, ridiuclous, kiss that happened in the oh-no-way-was-that-a-dream dream . Still. Weeks after. And my toes still curl.

And my view is still changed. I hadn't known before this dream if I'd ever find a boy that'd make me feel like that. Didn't know if he existed or not.

Apparently, he does-if only in my dreams. If you happen to meet him, please tell him he can visit my dreams anytime. And if he feels like making an appearance in real life, I'm here.

But it's so embarrassing to know that, after telling so many people it'd be years til I got married, my dreams have decided I need a man now. My head and my dreams have many conferences everyday. Neither agree on the topic.

I'm siding with my dreams for now ;-)

To Quit or Not To Quit

What do you do when you feel life slipping you by?

Recently, I began a photography business with one of my closest friends. And more recently, I was put in my place when a couple of clients didn't like my work that I did for them.

When the 1st didn't like it, I just said, it's one person. Who cares? When the second didn't like the photographs, it felt like two tons of bricks I was suddenly trying to balance on my crushed shoulders.

What do I do? Obviously, because two people don't like it, I am never going to be liked by anybody. How can I be the lame appendage in this partnership? Why can't I be liked?

I became quite angry. How in the world could they not like what I poured my soul into?! They just don't understand the art.

So I sat back. Life passed me by. I was sad and angry. As I tried to figure out how to tell my business partner that I am very sorry but I can't and won't be the lame appendage holding her back.

I was going to quit. No one took me seriously anyway. Who in the world would believe that a 20 year old was passionate and serious and mature enough about photography to begin a business? Apparently, per these two customers, nobody in their right mind.

But quit I did not. For some (I thought insane) reason, I held on to what spindly threads of pride and patience I had and never said, "I quit," to my partner.

I had worked so hard to become who I was at that point. To be knocked down was not going to be knocked out.

Then, another of my friends said this to me,

"Don't worry about them not liking your work. That's what makes art so great. What one person may hate, the very next person may love! It's all about individual preferences. Don't put THEIR dislikes on your shoulders as you lacking at your work. Even though photography is always changing and growing and there's always new things to learn, know what you do is great and ever evolving."

Talk about earth shifting and breath taking. Is she seriously saying that them not liking my work is ok?! YES, SHE IS! And it is so true. They have a right not to like it. It's their opinion. Nothing personally against me. I am the one who views my work so personal.

No, they don't understand the art. If they did, they'd be photographers. But I can't hold that against them and I can't let that hold me back. All I can do is do my art, love what I do, and present it to them.

Then, nervously wait to see if they like it or not. And if they don't, throw off the bricks and move on never stopping to consider quitting.

My Vocal Cords Just Keep Vibrating...

Let us face the truth together.

I say exactly what I think exactly when I think it. Most of the time. (YES, there are occasionally times when I do NOT say exactly what I am thinking...even though I know you don't believe that...pahaha!)

And most of the time, I wouldn't say this telling-what-I-think is a bad thing.

But SOMETIMES, it is.

Sometimes, I'd like to throw myself into an isolated room until I learn to keep my vocal cords unvibrating (YES, I do KNOW unvibrating is not a word. But I guess it is now :). Or at least until I can't stand the silence anymore.

And some people would really love it if I would throw myself into the isolated room.

B-U-T I don't. I simply keep those vocal cords in great shape and exercise them every chance I get.

Sigh. Maybe one day...