Every year, about this time, I have visions of Christmas and my soul gets giddy. Oh, how I love that time of year. The excitement, the bliss, the forgiveness, the stories, and on and on. But each year, there is a tinge of sadness for what isn't.

A very few years ago, after traveling to my grandparents' place out of town, we received news that there had been a terrible wreck on their road, and the boy across the street had died. The boyfriend of his mama had lost control of the vehicle just mere minutes away from their house, and this little boy without the protection of the seatbelt flew out of the vehicle which rolled over him. The scene was found by my family. The mama was holding her now dead son and rocking him. There were other children in the car. But she held on tightly to what she had already lost.

I am reminded that life is for but a minute. It isn't long, and tomorrow isn't a promised thing. And in life, losing someone is heartbreaking. It's heartwrenching. But as Christians, we can't forget that in our sorrow, others are mourning as well. Others are heartbroken. It's so difficult in the situation of death to let go. To let go of what you've already lost thinking if you hold it tightly enough, you won't be losing anything. Instead, you end up losing everything.

I don't even know if I'm qualified to write this blog being that I've experienced few deaths and am blessed because of that.

I do recall, however, one Spring day hearing the news that my paw paw had passed away while on vacation to see his favorite flower in full bloom-the Dogwood. I knew before my mama ever got off the phone. I knew he was gone. I remember the neighbor coming and saying that Imy brother and I didn't have to go to school and that I could cry however long I wanted to. But I didn't. I held them so very tightly in and wouldn't let a tear fall. In retrospect, I reckon it was because I was so afraid of letting the tears go, as if tears would be truly admitting he was gone. Oh, but I was a sad little girl. Knowing what I know now, knowing how much damage holding too tightly to things as trivial as tears causes, I would have let them flow. I would have cried until I couldn't cry anymore. So I was what I thought was "brave" and didn't shed any tears. And for a long while, I didn't talk about him either.

You see, I think the reason we have a hard time talking about the dead is because it's so very hard to change to past tense verbs. So difficult and gutwrenching to say "He used to...." "He loved me..." Because by doing that very thing, we are letting a piece of that person go. They say the first step to anything is in realizing. When we change the tense of our verbs after a loved one's passing, we are realizing, even if subconsciously, that the person isn't coming back and won't ever do any of those things again. And that in itself is heartbreaking.

So we don't talk. At least, not for a while. And eventually, someone realizes that talking is a necessity in the healing process...so talk slowly builds until one day, it isn't awkward. Until one day, it's easy to talk about the loved one.

I didn't really have a direction to go with this blog. Just wanted to write a bit. Thanks for letting me share and sorry for not tying everything up with a pretty pink ribbon in a pretty big bow.

Through life and death, God is there with us guiding us with His gentle hand and giving us comfort we cannot understand. All glory and honor and power are His and His alone.

J

Answers

Today. July 6 2009. Today, I have been mixed up and jumbled about. Today, I have ran a complete operation. Today, I did errands. Today, I have been upset. Today, I have been angry. Today, I have been mad, hurt, sad, weighted down. Worst of all, today, I have wanted to seek vengence.

You don't have to preach to me...I KNOW! Vegence is the Lord's alone. Not mine. Nonetheless, I wanted to seek it. For all the dreams I've dreamed that have fallen like dust. For all the ideas that haven't been fruitful. For all the ways I've been disappointed. And all the ways I've been a disappointment.

You see, today, I almost ignored someone on Facebook. And while I could say that the keyword here is "almost", it wouldn't be displaying the whole truth. I desperately wanted to. I desperately wanted to turn away and not accept this person. And it was a button away proclaiming and screaming at me "Pick me! I'm the ignore button! You don't have to be friends!"

But my mind traveled back to a few days ago. I was listing all the things I want in my mind "A House, a good job, to be finished with school, and on and on"...and it hit me. Those were ways to make ME happy. Yep, you read that correctly the first time. I have fallen into the "ME society" wholeheartedly and forgot to even question myself on the way down. But down is exactly where I've landed because of this. Down in the dumps. Down in my spirit. Down. Everything has become mundane and those things once thought of in my childhood as "perfect" have lost their luster.

Like the pile of clothes on the half of my bed I don't use and like the rest of the "ME society", I push things I don't want to deal with....things like questions that I don't know the answers to...away until I forget about them (rather convienently, I might add). But what I've failed to realize is that these things..these scary and ugly things...must get dredged back up. They always resurface. I always have to face them again. Pushing them off for the moment doesn't mean they go away.

Even as I write this, there are things in my heart bubbling to the surface that I tamp down because the human in me is too afraid to deal with them. What I do realize is that at this very moment, I have and serve a God who is superior to everything you could ever name and so much more. A God who knows every answer to every question but knows which answers to tell me and which answers I do not need to know. Does this scare me? No. I cannot do everything. I CAN, however, do ANYthing "through Christ who strengthens me."

The answer to those unanswerable by me questions....is God knows. He knows everything.

One final question: Have YOU prayed for Kate McRae today? Please take the time to read her story through her parents in the "Journal" section of http://caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate