Answers

Today. July 6 2009. Today, I have been mixed up and jumbled about. Today, I have ran a complete operation. Today, I did errands. Today, I have been upset. Today, I have been angry. Today, I have been mad, hurt, sad, weighted down. Worst of all, today, I have wanted to seek vengence.

You don't have to preach to me...I KNOW! Vegence is the Lord's alone. Not mine. Nonetheless, I wanted to seek it. For all the dreams I've dreamed that have fallen like dust. For all the ideas that haven't been fruitful. For all the ways I've been disappointed. And all the ways I've been a disappointment.

You see, today, I almost ignored someone on Facebook. And while I could say that the keyword here is "almost", it wouldn't be displaying the whole truth. I desperately wanted to. I desperately wanted to turn away and not accept this person. And it was a button away proclaiming and screaming at me "Pick me! I'm the ignore button! You don't have to be friends!"

But my mind traveled back to a few days ago. I was listing all the things I want in my mind "A House, a good job, to be finished with school, and on and on"...and it hit me. Those were ways to make ME happy. Yep, you read that correctly the first time. I have fallen into the "ME society" wholeheartedly and forgot to even question myself on the way down. But down is exactly where I've landed because of this. Down in the dumps. Down in my spirit. Down. Everything has become mundane and those things once thought of in my childhood as "perfect" have lost their luster.

Like the pile of clothes on the half of my bed I don't use and like the rest of the "ME society", I push things I don't want to deal with....things like questions that I don't know the answers to...away until I forget about them (rather convienently, I might add). But what I've failed to realize is that these things..these scary and ugly things...must get dredged back up. They always resurface. I always have to face them again. Pushing them off for the moment doesn't mean they go away.

Even as I write this, there are things in my heart bubbling to the surface that I tamp down because the human in me is too afraid to deal with them. What I do realize is that at this very moment, I have and serve a God who is superior to everything you could ever name and so much more. A God who knows every answer to every question but knows which answers to tell me and which answers I do not need to know. Does this scare me? No. I cannot do everything. I CAN, however, do ANYthing "through Christ who strengthens me."

The answer to those unanswerable by me questions....is God knows. He knows everything.

One final question: Have YOU prayed for Kate McRae today? Please take the time to read her story through her parents in the "Journal" section of http://caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate