Every year, about this time, I have visions of Christmas and my soul gets giddy. Oh, how I love that time of year. The excitement, the bliss, the forgiveness, the stories, and on and on. But each year, there is a tinge of sadness for what isn't.

A very few years ago, after traveling to my grandparents' place out of town, we received news that there had been a terrible wreck on their road, and the boy across the street had died. The boyfriend of his mama had lost control of the vehicle just mere minutes away from their house, and this little boy without the protection of the seatbelt flew out of the vehicle which rolled over him. The scene was found by my family. The mama was holding her now dead son and rocking him. There were other children in the car. But she held on tightly to what she had already lost.

I am reminded that life is for but a minute. It isn't long, and tomorrow isn't a promised thing. And in life, losing someone is heartbreaking. It's heartwrenching. But as Christians, we can't forget that in our sorrow, others are mourning as well. Others are heartbroken. It's so difficult in the situation of death to let go. To let go of what you've already lost thinking if you hold it tightly enough, you won't be losing anything. Instead, you end up losing everything.

I don't even know if I'm qualified to write this blog being that I've experienced few deaths and am blessed because of that.

I do recall, however, one Spring day hearing the news that my paw paw had passed away while on vacation to see his favorite flower in full bloom-the Dogwood. I knew before my mama ever got off the phone. I knew he was gone. I remember the neighbor coming and saying that Imy brother and I didn't have to go to school and that I could cry however long I wanted to. But I didn't. I held them so very tightly in and wouldn't let a tear fall. In retrospect, I reckon it was because I was so afraid of letting the tears go, as if tears would be truly admitting he was gone. Oh, but I was a sad little girl. Knowing what I know now, knowing how much damage holding too tightly to things as trivial as tears causes, I would have let them flow. I would have cried until I couldn't cry anymore. So I was what I thought was "brave" and didn't shed any tears. And for a long while, I didn't talk about him either.

You see, I think the reason we have a hard time talking about the dead is because it's so very hard to change to past tense verbs. So difficult and gutwrenching to say "He used to...." "He loved me..." Because by doing that very thing, we are letting a piece of that person go. They say the first step to anything is in realizing. When we change the tense of our verbs after a loved one's passing, we are realizing, even if subconsciously, that the person isn't coming back and won't ever do any of those things again. And that in itself is heartbreaking.

So we don't talk. At least, not for a while. And eventually, someone realizes that talking is a necessity in the healing process...so talk slowly builds until one day, it isn't awkward. Until one day, it's easy to talk about the loved one.

I didn't really have a direction to go with this blog. Just wanted to write a bit. Thanks for letting me share and sorry for not tying everything up with a pretty pink ribbon in a pretty big bow.

Through life and death, God is there with us guiding us with His gentle hand and giving us comfort we cannot understand. All glory and honor and power are His and His alone.

J

Answers

Today. July 6 2009. Today, I have been mixed up and jumbled about. Today, I have ran a complete operation. Today, I did errands. Today, I have been upset. Today, I have been angry. Today, I have been mad, hurt, sad, weighted down. Worst of all, today, I have wanted to seek vengence.

You don't have to preach to me...I KNOW! Vegence is the Lord's alone. Not mine. Nonetheless, I wanted to seek it. For all the dreams I've dreamed that have fallen like dust. For all the ideas that haven't been fruitful. For all the ways I've been disappointed. And all the ways I've been a disappointment.

You see, today, I almost ignored someone on Facebook. And while I could say that the keyword here is "almost", it wouldn't be displaying the whole truth. I desperately wanted to. I desperately wanted to turn away and not accept this person. And it was a button away proclaiming and screaming at me "Pick me! I'm the ignore button! You don't have to be friends!"

But my mind traveled back to a few days ago. I was listing all the things I want in my mind "A House, a good job, to be finished with school, and on and on"...and it hit me. Those were ways to make ME happy. Yep, you read that correctly the first time. I have fallen into the "ME society" wholeheartedly and forgot to even question myself on the way down. But down is exactly where I've landed because of this. Down in the dumps. Down in my spirit. Down. Everything has become mundane and those things once thought of in my childhood as "perfect" have lost their luster.

Like the pile of clothes on the half of my bed I don't use and like the rest of the "ME society", I push things I don't want to deal with....things like questions that I don't know the answers to...away until I forget about them (rather convienently, I might add). But what I've failed to realize is that these things..these scary and ugly things...must get dredged back up. They always resurface. I always have to face them again. Pushing them off for the moment doesn't mean they go away.

Even as I write this, there are things in my heart bubbling to the surface that I tamp down because the human in me is too afraid to deal with them. What I do realize is that at this very moment, I have and serve a God who is superior to everything you could ever name and so much more. A God who knows every answer to every question but knows which answers to tell me and which answers I do not need to know. Does this scare me? No. I cannot do everything. I CAN, however, do ANYthing "through Christ who strengthens me."

The answer to those unanswerable by me questions....is God knows. He knows everything.

One final question: Have YOU prayed for Kate McRae today? Please take the time to read her story through her parents in the "Journal" section of http://caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

My Tippy Top List of Things I Know Now

The semester has come to an end. Ahhhhhhh. What a wonderful feeling. It was, without a doubt, THE hardest semester in my entire life. Three things I've learned and still am in the process of remembering and embrazoning in my heart this semester:

1) Pray but don't forget to listen. God is listening no matter what time of day it may be...but He's got more to say than you do sometimes. Instead of bombarding Him with questions and Please-bless-thats, I need to try, "I am listening now." and truly be silent.

2) Believe. There IS a God. And when you feel like no one understands, no one cares, no one has ever been where you are right now, not even me, He is there and willing to wrap you in His embrace. I know, I know. You've heard that all before. So had I. For 19 years. But it was not enough. I needed to live it. I needed to be there in those moments when I felt like all of the above was going on to truly be able to say, "Yes, God is real." Face it, we all have a bit of Thomas inside of us. We all want proof of everything. When I felt like nothing could save or help me, He proved He was there. He didn't have to do that, but He loved me. He cared for me. Why, He even listened to me fit about things I couldn't control and things that were so minute yet so big to me....all to help me believe.

3) Be appreciative. Nothing is kinder than a thank you note to show just how much I care about someone. A note means that I did not pick somethin goff the shelf and proclaim it good enough to be a thanks. It means I love the person enough to actually think about them and took the time to write out everything I love about them. It is a personal goal to do a LOT more of this stuff. Just because I can't afford huge diamond rings doesn't mean I can't put a HUGE amount of thought and love into a note.

Ok, that's it. Of all the kings, laws, rules, grammar, biology, and how to be an educator, these three things are at the top of my "I am so glad I learned these things." In fact, they're the tippiest top.

Love,
Jessica

Questions

So a few things have been happening since I've last blogged. Interesting things, you ask? Well, perhaps one step further to the word imperative.

Sure, there has been the normal life stuff...getting mad at the guy who walks so slowly while smoking a cigarrette KNOWING the sidewalk isn't big enough for me to pass...getting over the illness...the millions of appointments that seem to have all come up at once....tests that aren't going so well...teachers who don't want to teach...THOSE kind of things.

But along with that, came lessons that I know one day will be counted as invaluable. Learning to be patient. Whew. How hard THAT is. Learning that God has a plan and even though I'm but a pixel right now, someday, I hope to be able to stand back from the painting that is my life and see the Masterpiece and the delicate strokes that comprise me. I want to see how much God has led me...how much God knows what's best.

At the pixel level, it's so hard to see how everything can get done...all I see is the VAST rough canvas that has SO much to be colored and covered...yet I have just in this moment of writing realized I am not meant to be the Painter alone. I, the human who wants to be a show off and handle the ENTIRE canvas by myself, do not know the mixtures of the paints, the mediums, the texture the painting must have. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PAINT.

Letting go of things has always been a difficulty for me. How exactly does one go about such? Is it worry that I'm hanging on to? Fear? Stress? Are they all one? Why am I holding on so tightly to such destroying things? Really, they're all just feelings...ideas....

Maybe I should tell you one more thing before I go study: answers don't always get pretty bows attached from God saying, "HERE LIES THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS." Sometimes it's a still quiet voice that we often miss. Sometimes, it's a blessing we didn't expect. And sometimes, dear friends, answers seem elusive. I won't lie and say in my next blog, I'll have all the answers. I can say, however, that I fully intend to listen rather intently for God's voice and let Him lead my heart in the right direction so that I can have a beautiful canvas.

Until next time, may God bless you,
J

My Sunny Day Will Come

So. I had an honest to goodness breakdown today. I found myself at the point of throwing it all away. People who know me said I wouldn't and couldn't. And I have always been someone who told somebody else in that situation that they needed to hold on...that there IS a sunny day waiting to come. But at that very moment, it even surprised me how strong that urge to throw my hands up is. I now understand how people get pushed to that brink of giving up...with no one around them beginning to know how serious they really are. I'm not talking suicide...that's just ridiculous. I'm talking throwing away college, something I've worked for my entire academic life.

Sure, it sounds like a minor issue compared to world hunger, a rising level of poverty, unemployment skyrocketing, etc. But to me, in my universe, IT'S HUGE. Bigger than life at times. College isn't something I went in to quit. But at that moment, quitting sounded blissful; however, with blissful came fear. Terrifying, gripping fear that seized my soul, and I became trapped there for a few minutes. It horrified me to see just how ugly I can be. Just how bad of decisions can roll through my head. Just how quickly all that can happen.

Message here: BREAKDOWNS CAN HAPPEN. It did happen to me today. And I must learn from it, apply the lesson to mylife, and go on. I wish I could write, "And now, my sunny day has come." But at this moment, I can't. I can only cling to that ever too wispy hope that claims there WILL be a better day. In my heart, I believe this; however, getting my head to rationally explain it and believe in it is another story.

The only thing I can say for certain is God got me through today, so I'm trusting He has HIS plans laid out and today, March 9, 2009, was created and fabricated the way it turned out...that it didn't "just happen". That every difficulty thrown my way today and everything I did to mangle through and everything I tried that failed to lift that fog off of my path so that I could see the next bend were ALL part of that Plan I'm trying to follow.

For some reason, the thought keeps popping into my head, "He didn't promise me 'Sunny' everyday..."He DID promise to keep me in His hands....and right now, I do believe that's the best place for me.

Tonight, when I pray, I will leave myself in His Hands. And there, I will stay.