Every year, about this time, I have visions of Christmas and my soul gets giddy. Oh, how I love that time of year. The excitement, the bliss, the forgiveness, the stories, and on and on. But each year, there is a tinge of sadness for what isn't.

A very few years ago, after traveling to my grandparents' place out of town, we received news that there had been a terrible wreck on their road, and the boy across the street had died. The boyfriend of his mama had lost control of the vehicle just mere minutes away from their house, and this little boy without the protection of the seatbelt flew out of the vehicle which rolled over him. The scene was found by my family. The mama was holding her now dead son and rocking him. There were other children in the car. But she held on tightly to what she had already lost.

I am reminded that life is for but a minute. It isn't long, and tomorrow isn't a promised thing. And in life, losing someone is heartbreaking. It's heartwrenching. But as Christians, we can't forget that in our sorrow, others are mourning as well. Others are heartbroken. It's so difficult in the situation of death to let go. To let go of what you've already lost thinking if you hold it tightly enough, you won't be losing anything. Instead, you end up losing everything.

I don't even know if I'm qualified to write this blog being that I've experienced few deaths and am blessed because of that.

I do recall, however, one Spring day hearing the news that my paw paw had passed away while on vacation to see his favorite flower in full bloom-the Dogwood. I knew before my mama ever got off the phone. I knew he was gone. I remember the neighbor coming and saying that Imy brother and I didn't have to go to school and that I could cry however long I wanted to. But I didn't. I held them so very tightly in and wouldn't let a tear fall. In retrospect, I reckon it was because I was so afraid of letting the tears go, as if tears would be truly admitting he was gone. Oh, but I was a sad little girl. Knowing what I know now, knowing how much damage holding too tightly to things as trivial as tears causes, I would have let them flow. I would have cried until I couldn't cry anymore. So I was what I thought was "brave" and didn't shed any tears. And for a long while, I didn't talk about him either.

You see, I think the reason we have a hard time talking about the dead is because it's so very hard to change to past tense verbs. So difficult and gutwrenching to say "He used to...." "He loved me..." Because by doing that very thing, we are letting a piece of that person go. They say the first step to anything is in realizing. When we change the tense of our verbs after a loved one's passing, we are realizing, even if subconsciously, that the person isn't coming back and won't ever do any of those things again. And that in itself is heartbreaking.

So we don't talk. At least, not for a while. And eventually, someone realizes that talking is a necessity in the healing process...so talk slowly builds until one day, it isn't awkward. Until one day, it's easy to talk about the loved one.

I didn't really have a direction to go with this blog. Just wanted to write a bit. Thanks for letting me share and sorry for not tying everything up with a pretty pink ribbon in a pretty big bow.

Through life and death, God is there with us guiding us with His gentle hand and giving us comfort we cannot understand. All glory and honor and power are His and His alone.

J

Answers

Today. July 6 2009. Today, I have been mixed up and jumbled about. Today, I have ran a complete operation. Today, I did errands. Today, I have been upset. Today, I have been angry. Today, I have been mad, hurt, sad, weighted down. Worst of all, today, I have wanted to seek vengence.

You don't have to preach to me...I KNOW! Vegence is the Lord's alone. Not mine. Nonetheless, I wanted to seek it. For all the dreams I've dreamed that have fallen like dust. For all the ideas that haven't been fruitful. For all the ways I've been disappointed. And all the ways I've been a disappointment.

You see, today, I almost ignored someone on Facebook. And while I could say that the keyword here is "almost", it wouldn't be displaying the whole truth. I desperately wanted to. I desperately wanted to turn away and not accept this person. And it was a button away proclaiming and screaming at me "Pick me! I'm the ignore button! You don't have to be friends!"

But my mind traveled back to a few days ago. I was listing all the things I want in my mind "A House, a good job, to be finished with school, and on and on"...and it hit me. Those were ways to make ME happy. Yep, you read that correctly the first time. I have fallen into the "ME society" wholeheartedly and forgot to even question myself on the way down. But down is exactly where I've landed because of this. Down in the dumps. Down in my spirit. Down. Everything has become mundane and those things once thought of in my childhood as "perfect" have lost their luster.

Like the pile of clothes on the half of my bed I don't use and like the rest of the "ME society", I push things I don't want to deal with....things like questions that I don't know the answers to...away until I forget about them (rather convienently, I might add). But what I've failed to realize is that these things..these scary and ugly things...must get dredged back up. They always resurface. I always have to face them again. Pushing them off for the moment doesn't mean they go away.

Even as I write this, there are things in my heart bubbling to the surface that I tamp down because the human in me is too afraid to deal with them. What I do realize is that at this very moment, I have and serve a God who is superior to everything you could ever name and so much more. A God who knows every answer to every question but knows which answers to tell me and which answers I do not need to know. Does this scare me? No. I cannot do everything. I CAN, however, do ANYthing "through Christ who strengthens me."

The answer to those unanswerable by me questions....is God knows. He knows everything.

One final question: Have YOU prayed for Kate McRae today? Please take the time to read her story through her parents in the "Journal" section of http://caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

Water

I have an ulcer. Most people get rid of them in a few days. Not me. Mine seem to stick around for WEEKS. As long as I keep my mouth shut...not a problem. But that's a problem for me. Not because I love talking (I do..but I can control myself). It's a problem because people assume I am snobby when I don't talk or smile. Truth is: I am in PAIN. Wet your panties and let tears run down your cheeks kind of pain. Seriously, would you want to talk much less smile knowing that would be the reward?!

I am sure by now the infection is within whatever is smaller than a millimeter from eating through my ENTIRE cheek, and soon, I will have an enormous hole in my cheek. Yep, totally sure of it. And what became of my immune system?! Isn't that supposed to fight off infections? Why isn't it working? Come onnnnnnnnn, Body! Work, work, worrrrrrrrrrk!!!

How ridiculous are ulcers?! I wish I were one of those people who were blessed never to have one. I am jealous of non-ulcer-getting people.

And now, I need to go to bed. Knowing that when I wake up, my ulcer will have intertwined itself into a strip of metal also known as my retainer and I will have to pull the burning flesh away from the wire and this will cause water to flow freely from my body.

If it just wouldn't burn, Mr. Ulcer (gotta be a male...) and I would get along perfectly. But, he has to burn.

Okay, enough. While Ulceeeeeeeerrrr (prounounced w/ a French accent) multiplies his ugliness, I need my beauty sleep.

It wouldn't be me if I didn't have an end note that was positive. God knows every ulcer I will ever get.

Love,
J

At the end of writing this, I had a big laugh:-) How Perfect!

There's so much.

Whoa. Broad statement, I know. I'll try my best to enlighten both myself and you as to what this means. But in a later blog. I feel light tonight. I don't feel like going deep into my heart and unjumbling such a big thing.

I'm supposed to be asleep so that I can be well rested for church tomorrow. But is my brain settling down?! Noooooooo. It's like Katy the train at Dollywood. It just keeps chuggalugging right up that mountain.

I feel like I should try to explain women at this point. Today, my brother (being the all observant man that he is) pointed out the ground breaking fact that I am emotional. I yo-yo'd between patting him on the back while making him feel like he's figured out the world and punching the living daylights out of his arm (see, if I were the violent type, that would have been his face...but I'm not violent...certainly not me!) to make him see how inconsiderate and ridiculous that comment was.

The first won out. (another example of me NOT being violent!)

YES, I AM EMOTIONAL. Good job, big buddy. Ding ding ding! We have a winnerrrrrrrrr. One second, I am completely fine, and the next, I am ready to take a swing at someone. Is this normal? In all women that I have seen, yes, it is. Completely. Totally. Normal. Maybe some women hide it, some are more adept in handling it, and some, like me, "fly off the handle" with things. But every woman that I have ever met, read about, or seen is this "emotional" he is talking about.

And then, the Adam and Eve discussion was brought up. Ok, let's get this clear. Eve was seduced by a snake (the DEVIL). Adam followed Eve and he was supposed to be the leader of the two. What happened?!

And even if Eve did eat the fruit and made a bad decision, what of this is MY fault?! I did not affect her choice, I can assure you of that. I am absolutely certain that Eve did not look thousands of years into the future and say, "Because of Jessica, I will eat this fruit and doom mankind." Do not tell me that women brought this upon themselves. One woman brought this upon me. And the Devil (a male figure) brought it upon her. It is not my fault.

Emotional. Yep, that's me to a T. I would rather call it "passionate". But in this male domineering world, it shall remain "emotional" and little me cannot change that. I care about many subjects and people and things. I will continue to be "emotional" whenever I please. Thank you very much, big brother, for noticing that I am indeed "emotional".

My Tippy Top List of Things I Know Now

The semester has come to an end. Ahhhhhhh. What a wonderful feeling. It was, without a doubt, THE hardest semester in my entire life. Three things I've learned and still am in the process of remembering and embrazoning in my heart this semester:

1) Pray but don't forget to listen. God is listening no matter what time of day it may be...but He's got more to say than you do sometimes. Instead of bombarding Him with questions and Please-bless-thats, I need to try, "I am listening now." and truly be silent.

2) Believe. There IS a God. And when you feel like no one understands, no one cares, no one has ever been where you are right now, not even me, He is there and willing to wrap you in His embrace. I know, I know. You've heard that all before. So had I. For 19 years. But it was not enough. I needed to live it. I needed to be there in those moments when I felt like all of the above was going on to truly be able to say, "Yes, God is real." Face it, we all have a bit of Thomas inside of us. We all want proof of everything. When I felt like nothing could save or help me, He proved He was there. He didn't have to do that, but He loved me. He cared for me. Why, He even listened to me fit about things I couldn't control and things that were so minute yet so big to me....all to help me believe.

3) Be appreciative. Nothing is kinder than a thank you note to show just how much I care about someone. A note means that I did not pick somethin goff the shelf and proclaim it good enough to be a thanks. It means I love the person enough to actually think about them and took the time to write out everything I love about them. It is a personal goal to do a LOT more of this stuff. Just because I can't afford huge diamond rings doesn't mean I can't put a HUGE amount of thought and love into a note.

Ok, that's it. Of all the kings, laws, rules, grammar, biology, and how to be an educator, these three things are at the top of my "I am so glad I learned these things." In fact, they're the tippiest top.

Love,
Jessica

Do You Dare to Listen?

My family and I just talked for 2 and a half hours...and it was fantastic. I loved it. That came as no surprise to me. However, the thought just popped in my mind, "How many families in this world could do that...leave all signs of modern technology alone, all selfishness alone, and simply talk about dreams without everyone talking at once, someone talking on the phone, someone texting, a tv blaring, someone fighting?" The answer I formed was not many. Sure, there are a couple of families that come to mind...but very few. Very very very few.

You see, my parents made it a point, at a very young age (so young that I don't remember this), they began having times where we as a family would talk. At first, I'm sure it was shorter periods; however, that has grown into 2 1/2 hours and ended only because it is so late and everyone needed sleep. I don't know if my parents consciously did this...I just remember that as a child, my dad would say, "Come sit down and let's talk." My heart would jump, and my mind would begin buzzing. I knew that this was a time when I could hear and say everything. This was a time that a lot of things would be learned and stored away for future use...good life lessons whether the topic be a new house, upcoming vaction, or the weather... I KNEW I was going to learn something...and that excited me more than talking did (don't tell my family...I still DO LOVE to talk :). In fact, I would keep talking in the high hopes that THEY would keep talking....so that I could learn something else.

My point is many Americans are not conditioned to listen. We wonder why suicide and violence is up? Most times, the committer doesn't feel heard. Imgaine that. Does anyone see the connection I see? It might be a long shot, but by listening, we might could lessen violence...just by showing someone that you will listen. How simple. Yet how hard. "I'm soooooooo busy...I just don't have time to listen to him/her blab on and on." YOU listening could very well save that person's life...at the very least, you're making his/her life waaaaaaaay better.

Listening shows you care. You care enough about a person to put down what you are doing, stop your brain from its 90 mph speed track (it needs a break anyway) and actually listen. THAT TAKES A LOT OF CARING!

Anyway, back to the family chats. On those nights that we would sit in our pjs and simply talk, I felt loved. I felt cherished. I felt like I belonged in a place I could always call "mine". I was with my family. Some of the best times of my life have been spent there with them chiming in my worth nearly every 2 seconds. And they put up with that. The zillions of questions, the "I don't understands", the "I don't think..."s. All of it. My family answered every question, tried to explain every I-don't-understand, and encouraged me to think the way I wanted to think.

I can honestly say that, though we're not perfect, I am blessed with a truly amazing family. Thank YOU, Jesus! He really does know everything we need.

Be blessed,
Jessica

Questions

So a few things have been happening since I've last blogged. Interesting things, you ask? Well, perhaps one step further to the word imperative.

Sure, there has been the normal life stuff...getting mad at the guy who walks so slowly while smoking a cigarrette KNOWING the sidewalk isn't big enough for me to pass...getting over the illness...the millions of appointments that seem to have all come up at once....tests that aren't going so well...teachers who don't want to teach...THOSE kind of things.

But along with that, came lessons that I know one day will be counted as invaluable. Learning to be patient. Whew. How hard THAT is. Learning that God has a plan and even though I'm but a pixel right now, someday, I hope to be able to stand back from the painting that is my life and see the Masterpiece and the delicate strokes that comprise me. I want to see how much God has led me...how much God knows what's best.

At the pixel level, it's so hard to see how everything can get done...all I see is the VAST rough canvas that has SO much to be colored and covered...yet I have just in this moment of writing realized I am not meant to be the Painter alone. I, the human who wants to be a show off and handle the ENTIRE canvas by myself, do not know the mixtures of the paints, the mediums, the texture the painting must have. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PAINT.

Letting go of things has always been a difficulty for me. How exactly does one go about such? Is it worry that I'm hanging on to? Fear? Stress? Are they all one? Why am I holding on so tightly to such destroying things? Really, they're all just feelings...ideas....

Maybe I should tell you one more thing before I go study: answers don't always get pretty bows attached from God saying, "HERE LIES THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS." Sometimes it's a still quiet voice that we often miss. Sometimes, it's a blessing we didn't expect. And sometimes, dear friends, answers seem elusive. I won't lie and say in my next blog, I'll have all the answers. I can say, however, that I fully intend to listen rather intently for God's voice and let Him lead my heart in the right direction so that I can have a beautiful canvas.

Until next time, may God bless you,
J