Water

I have an ulcer. Most people get rid of them in a few days. Not me. Mine seem to stick around for WEEKS. As long as I keep my mouth shut...not a problem. But that's a problem for me. Not because I love talking (I do..but I can control myself). It's a problem because people assume I am snobby when I don't talk or smile. Truth is: I am in PAIN. Wet your panties and let tears run down your cheeks kind of pain. Seriously, would you want to talk much less smile knowing that would be the reward?!

I am sure by now the infection is within whatever is smaller than a millimeter from eating through my ENTIRE cheek, and soon, I will have an enormous hole in my cheek. Yep, totally sure of it. And what became of my immune system?! Isn't that supposed to fight off infections? Why isn't it working? Come onnnnnnnnn, Body! Work, work, worrrrrrrrrrk!!!

How ridiculous are ulcers?! I wish I were one of those people who were blessed never to have one. I am jealous of non-ulcer-getting people.

And now, I need to go to bed. Knowing that when I wake up, my ulcer will have intertwined itself into a strip of metal also known as my retainer and I will have to pull the burning flesh away from the wire and this will cause water to flow freely from my body.

If it just wouldn't burn, Mr. Ulcer (gotta be a male...) and I would get along perfectly. But, he has to burn.

Okay, enough. While Ulceeeeeeeerrrr (prounounced w/ a French accent) multiplies his ugliness, I need my beauty sleep.

It wouldn't be me if I didn't have an end note that was positive. God knows every ulcer I will ever get.

Love,
J

At the end of writing this, I had a big laugh:-) How Perfect!

There's so much.

Whoa. Broad statement, I know. I'll try my best to enlighten both myself and you as to what this means. But in a later blog. I feel light tonight. I don't feel like going deep into my heart and unjumbling such a big thing.

I'm supposed to be asleep so that I can be well rested for church tomorrow. But is my brain settling down?! Noooooooo. It's like Katy the train at Dollywood. It just keeps chuggalugging right up that mountain.

I feel like I should try to explain women at this point. Today, my brother (being the all observant man that he is) pointed out the ground breaking fact that I am emotional. I yo-yo'd between patting him on the back while making him feel like he's figured out the world and punching the living daylights out of his arm (see, if I were the violent type, that would have been his face...but I'm not violent...certainly not me!) to make him see how inconsiderate and ridiculous that comment was.

The first won out. (another example of me NOT being violent!)

YES, I AM EMOTIONAL. Good job, big buddy. Ding ding ding! We have a winnerrrrrrrrr. One second, I am completely fine, and the next, I am ready to take a swing at someone. Is this normal? In all women that I have seen, yes, it is. Completely. Totally. Normal. Maybe some women hide it, some are more adept in handling it, and some, like me, "fly off the handle" with things. But every woman that I have ever met, read about, or seen is this "emotional" he is talking about.

And then, the Adam and Eve discussion was brought up. Ok, let's get this clear. Eve was seduced by a snake (the DEVIL). Adam followed Eve and he was supposed to be the leader of the two. What happened?!

And even if Eve did eat the fruit and made a bad decision, what of this is MY fault?! I did not affect her choice, I can assure you of that. I am absolutely certain that Eve did not look thousands of years into the future and say, "Because of Jessica, I will eat this fruit and doom mankind." Do not tell me that women brought this upon themselves. One woman brought this upon me. And the Devil (a male figure) brought it upon her. It is not my fault.

Emotional. Yep, that's me to a T. I would rather call it "passionate". But in this male domineering world, it shall remain "emotional" and little me cannot change that. I care about many subjects and people and things. I will continue to be "emotional" whenever I please. Thank you very much, big brother, for noticing that I am indeed "emotional".

My Tippy Top List of Things I Know Now

The semester has come to an end. Ahhhhhhh. What a wonderful feeling. It was, without a doubt, THE hardest semester in my entire life. Three things I've learned and still am in the process of remembering and embrazoning in my heart this semester:

1) Pray but don't forget to listen. God is listening no matter what time of day it may be...but He's got more to say than you do sometimes. Instead of bombarding Him with questions and Please-bless-thats, I need to try, "I am listening now." and truly be silent.

2) Believe. There IS a God. And when you feel like no one understands, no one cares, no one has ever been where you are right now, not even me, He is there and willing to wrap you in His embrace. I know, I know. You've heard that all before. So had I. For 19 years. But it was not enough. I needed to live it. I needed to be there in those moments when I felt like all of the above was going on to truly be able to say, "Yes, God is real." Face it, we all have a bit of Thomas inside of us. We all want proof of everything. When I felt like nothing could save or help me, He proved He was there. He didn't have to do that, but He loved me. He cared for me. Why, He even listened to me fit about things I couldn't control and things that were so minute yet so big to me....all to help me believe.

3) Be appreciative. Nothing is kinder than a thank you note to show just how much I care about someone. A note means that I did not pick somethin goff the shelf and proclaim it good enough to be a thanks. It means I love the person enough to actually think about them and took the time to write out everything I love about them. It is a personal goal to do a LOT more of this stuff. Just because I can't afford huge diamond rings doesn't mean I can't put a HUGE amount of thought and love into a note.

Ok, that's it. Of all the kings, laws, rules, grammar, biology, and how to be an educator, these three things are at the top of my "I am so glad I learned these things." In fact, they're the tippiest top.

Love,
Jessica

Do You Dare to Listen?

My family and I just talked for 2 and a half hours...and it was fantastic. I loved it. That came as no surprise to me. However, the thought just popped in my mind, "How many families in this world could do that...leave all signs of modern technology alone, all selfishness alone, and simply talk about dreams without everyone talking at once, someone talking on the phone, someone texting, a tv blaring, someone fighting?" The answer I formed was not many. Sure, there are a couple of families that come to mind...but very few. Very very very few.

You see, my parents made it a point, at a very young age (so young that I don't remember this), they began having times where we as a family would talk. At first, I'm sure it was shorter periods; however, that has grown into 2 1/2 hours and ended only because it is so late and everyone needed sleep. I don't know if my parents consciously did this...I just remember that as a child, my dad would say, "Come sit down and let's talk." My heart would jump, and my mind would begin buzzing. I knew that this was a time when I could hear and say everything. This was a time that a lot of things would be learned and stored away for future use...good life lessons whether the topic be a new house, upcoming vaction, or the weather... I KNEW I was going to learn something...and that excited me more than talking did (don't tell my family...I still DO LOVE to talk :). In fact, I would keep talking in the high hopes that THEY would keep talking....so that I could learn something else.

My point is many Americans are not conditioned to listen. We wonder why suicide and violence is up? Most times, the committer doesn't feel heard. Imgaine that. Does anyone see the connection I see? It might be a long shot, but by listening, we might could lessen violence...just by showing someone that you will listen. How simple. Yet how hard. "I'm soooooooo busy...I just don't have time to listen to him/her blab on and on." YOU listening could very well save that person's life...at the very least, you're making his/her life waaaaaaaay better.

Listening shows you care. You care enough about a person to put down what you are doing, stop your brain from its 90 mph speed track (it needs a break anyway) and actually listen. THAT TAKES A LOT OF CARING!

Anyway, back to the family chats. On those nights that we would sit in our pjs and simply talk, I felt loved. I felt cherished. I felt like I belonged in a place I could always call "mine". I was with my family. Some of the best times of my life have been spent there with them chiming in my worth nearly every 2 seconds. And they put up with that. The zillions of questions, the "I don't understands", the "I don't think..."s. All of it. My family answered every question, tried to explain every I-don't-understand, and encouraged me to think the way I wanted to think.

I can honestly say that, though we're not perfect, I am blessed with a truly amazing family. Thank YOU, Jesus! He really does know everything we need.

Be blessed,
Jessica

Questions

So a few things have been happening since I've last blogged. Interesting things, you ask? Well, perhaps one step further to the word imperative.

Sure, there has been the normal life stuff...getting mad at the guy who walks so slowly while smoking a cigarrette KNOWING the sidewalk isn't big enough for me to pass...getting over the illness...the millions of appointments that seem to have all come up at once....tests that aren't going so well...teachers who don't want to teach...THOSE kind of things.

But along with that, came lessons that I know one day will be counted as invaluable. Learning to be patient. Whew. How hard THAT is. Learning that God has a plan and even though I'm but a pixel right now, someday, I hope to be able to stand back from the painting that is my life and see the Masterpiece and the delicate strokes that comprise me. I want to see how much God has led me...how much God knows what's best.

At the pixel level, it's so hard to see how everything can get done...all I see is the VAST rough canvas that has SO much to be colored and covered...yet I have just in this moment of writing realized I am not meant to be the Painter alone. I, the human who wants to be a show off and handle the ENTIRE canvas by myself, do not know the mixtures of the paints, the mediums, the texture the painting must have. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PAINT.

Letting go of things has always been a difficulty for me. How exactly does one go about such? Is it worry that I'm hanging on to? Fear? Stress? Are they all one? Why am I holding on so tightly to such destroying things? Really, they're all just feelings...ideas....

Maybe I should tell you one more thing before I go study: answers don't always get pretty bows attached from God saying, "HERE LIES THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS." Sometimes it's a still quiet voice that we often miss. Sometimes, it's a blessing we didn't expect. And sometimes, dear friends, answers seem elusive. I won't lie and say in my next blog, I'll have all the answers. I can say, however, that I fully intend to listen rather intently for God's voice and let Him lead my heart in the right direction so that I can have a beautiful canvas.

Until next time, may God bless you,
J

My Sunny Day Will Come

So. I had an honest to goodness breakdown today. I found myself at the point of throwing it all away. People who know me said I wouldn't and couldn't. And I have always been someone who told somebody else in that situation that they needed to hold on...that there IS a sunny day waiting to come. But at that very moment, it even surprised me how strong that urge to throw my hands up is. I now understand how people get pushed to that brink of giving up...with no one around them beginning to know how serious they really are. I'm not talking suicide...that's just ridiculous. I'm talking throwing away college, something I've worked for my entire academic life.

Sure, it sounds like a minor issue compared to world hunger, a rising level of poverty, unemployment skyrocketing, etc. But to me, in my universe, IT'S HUGE. Bigger than life at times. College isn't something I went in to quit. But at that moment, quitting sounded blissful; however, with blissful came fear. Terrifying, gripping fear that seized my soul, and I became trapped there for a few minutes. It horrified me to see just how ugly I can be. Just how bad of decisions can roll through my head. Just how quickly all that can happen.

Message here: BREAKDOWNS CAN HAPPEN. It did happen to me today. And I must learn from it, apply the lesson to mylife, and go on. I wish I could write, "And now, my sunny day has come." But at this moment, I can't. I can only cling to that ever too wispy hope that claims there WILL be a better day. In my heart, I believe this; however, getting my head to rationally explain it and believe in it is another story.

The only thing I can say for certain is God got me through today, so I'm trusting He has HIS plans laid out and today, March 9, 2009, was created and fabricated the way it turned out...that it didn't "just happen". That every difficulty thrown my way today and everything I did to mangle through and everything I tried that failed to lift that fog off of my path so that I could see the next bend were ALL part of that Plan I'm trying to follow.

For some reason, the thought keeps popping into my head, "He didn't promise me 'Sunny' everyday..."He DID promise to keep me in His hands....and right now, I do believe that's the best place for me.

Tonight, when I pray, I will leave myself in His Hands. And there, I will stay.

ROAD TRIP!

Yesterday, I was ferried to Foley, Alabama. While is was amazing, it was also a trip of hidden realizations both of myself and in general.

I bought a watch. Actually, I bought two watches...one for me and one for Mom. They're both cute and Fossil and fit perfectly. We got in the truck, a little later than planned, to go eat at Lambert's, and immediately, I began to worry because we weren't on time. "They surely will be too busy." "They won't be accepting any more guests." "It will be waaaaaaaaay to long to wiat even though we drove hours to eat here." I was worried...to say the least.

I realized we don't afford the time to do what is most important to us. Instead, we slump around doing everything we know isn't worth the TIME....just because it "has to be done." Instead of worrying about the time, I should have been focused on the fact that I got to spend even more time talking with my parents...something that's rare in a house filled with 11...about to be 12, children and infants.

Yet, we do nothing to change that habit we've somehow formed of doing the mundane. We continue our roads to afford us comfort and peace in our minds...knowing we are getting things checked off the ever so important long list....only to add MORE things to that list.

I realized that I, for the past YEARS have been on this road needing to do everything on my list. But recently, I was overwhelmed by the fact that the list wasn't being cut down even though I was actively fighting to get that to happen. Yesterday, I saw that even though I will always have a million and one things to do, and not near enough time to do it in, I DO have control of what I do in the time I'm given. I have to CHOOSE to fill it with the important things...time doesn't control itself.

There will always be a list...but now, I'll make sure to include something that's important to me everyday on that list to remind myself that, unless I fill some TIME with important things, the TIME will be filled with something else.

When I was little, somehow I got the saying, "You can never do nothing." Nothing is...well nothing. It is a concept, an idea, at best. If you set out to do "nothing", you will certaintly face failure. So instead of saying, "I am not going to do a thing today," I say, "I am going to relax today." It gives me what I need, relaxation, along with my crazy insane human nature of always needing to check something off. Best of both worlds, as a certain famous Disney star sings.

Some might call this crazy that I schedule relaxation. All the same, I do. Maybe I am crazy...

Out of time for this now :) Gotta run pick up my Granny.

Hope this makes a little sense!

J