My Sunny Day Will Come

So. I had an honest to goodness breakdown today. I found myself at the point of throwing it all away. People who know me said I wouldn't and couldn't. And I have always been someone who told somebody else in that situation that they needed to hold on...that there IS a sunny day waiting to come. But at that very moment, it even surprised me how strong that urge to throw my hands up is. I now understand how people get pushed to that brink of giving up...with no one around them beginning to know how serious they really are. I'm not talking suicide...that's just ridiculous. I'm talking throwing away college, something I've worked for my entire academic life.

Sure, it sounds like a minor issue compared to world hunger, a rising level of poverty, unemployment skyrocketing, etc. But to me, in my universe, IT'S HUGE. Bigger than life at times. College isn't something I went in to quit. But at that moment, quitting sounded blissful; however, with blissful came fear. Terrifying, gripping fear that seized my soul, and I became trapped there for a few minutes. It horrified me to see just how ugly I can be. Just how bad of decisions can roll through my head. Just how quickly all that can happen.

Message here: BREAKDOWNS CAN HAPPEN. It did happen to me today. And I must learn from it, apply the lesson to mylife, and go on. I wish I could write, "And now, my sunny day has come." But at this moment, I can't. I can only cling to that ever too wispy hope that claims there WILL be a better day. In my heart, I believe this; however, getting my head to rationally explain it and believe in it is another story.

The only thing I can say for certain is God got me through today, so I'm trusting He has HIS plans laid out and today, March 9, 2009, was created and fabricated the way it turned out...that it didn't "just happen". That every difficulty thrown my way today and everything I did to mangle through and everything I tried that failed to lift that fog off of my path so that I could see the next bend were ALL part of that Plan I'm trying to follow.

For some reason, the thought keeps popping into my head, "He didn't promise me 'Sunny' everyday..."He DID promise to keep me in His hands....and right now, I do believe that's the best place for me.

Tonight, when I pray, I will leave myself in His Hands. And there, I will stay.