Questions

So a few things have been happening since I've last blogged. Interesting things, you ask? Well, perhaps one step further to the word imperative.

Sure, there has been the normal life stuff...getting mad at the guy who walks so slowly while smoking a cigarrette KNOWING the sidewalk isn't big enough for me to pass...getting over the illness...the millions of appointments that seem to have all come up at once....tests that aren't going so well...teachers who don't want to teach...THOSE kind of things.

But along with that, came lessons that I know one day will be counted as invaluable. Learning to be patient. Whew. How hard THAT is. Learning that God has a plan and even though I'm but a pixel right now, someday, I hope to be able to stand back from the painting that is my life and see the Masterpiece and the delicate strokes that comprise me. I want to see how much God has led me...how much God knows what's best.

At the pixel level, it's so hard to see how everything can get done...all I see is the VAST rough canvas that has SO much to be colored and covered...yet I have just in this moment of writing realized I am not meant to be the Painter alone. I, the human who wants to be a show off and handle the ENTIRE canvas by myself, do not know the mixtures of the paints, the mediums, the texture the painting must have. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PAINT.

Letting go of things has always been a difficulty for me. How exactly does one go about such? Is it worry that I'm hanging on to? Fear? Stress? Are they all one? Why am I holding on so tightly to such destroying things? Really, they're all just feelings...ideas....

Maybe I should tell you one more thing before I go study: answers don't always get pretty bows attached from God saying, "HERE LIES THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS." Sometimes it's a still quiet voice that we often miss. Sometimes, it's a blessing we didn't expect. And sometimes, dear friends, answers seem elusive. I won't lie and say in my next blog, I'll have all the answers. I can say, however, that I fully intend to listen rather intently for God's voice and let Him lead my heart in the right direction so that I can have a beautiful canvas.

Until next time, may God bless you,
J