I Fail on the Drive

Where to begin? It's hard. Life is hard. Everyday, there are new twists, new turns, and new trials.

Everyday, there are things I wish were never said, things I wish would have been said, and things I wish I knew how to say.


I have the hardest time with relationships. I am nice. And then, I say or do something mean. Not necessarily mean...but not nice. It's crazy. And yes, I know why. I drive people away. So they won't hurt me in the long run, I drive them away as quickly and as hard as I can. There are only a few people that stay through it. Only a few that can stand me.

Is it the right thing to do? No. Is it natural? I think so. My human side hates to be hurt. My human side, however, cannot stand to be lonely either. So after I have driven away people, I am still hurt.

I always end up thinking, "Now, why did I do that?"

It's a question I can't answer. Except to give the reason of my human side taking control.

Oh, how I wish I had a manual from God stating, "Jessica, these are your exact footsteps, where you are to go, and what you are to say, exactly how NOT to hurt people and you not get hurt either."

But there isn't. There is the Bible which lays out a plan. And I try to follow it. It doesn't promise no hurt. But it promises God will be there for me even when I fail.

And I fail daily.