Today, I feel light and airy. But dark and dreary as well.
Today, my Summer job ended. So sad to let go all the fun times I've shared this Summer with that precious little girl some know as my "adopted sister". I often joke with her that I love her guts. But it's true. I love her. A deep and strong love.
I know, I'm not really letting go of the fun times. I'll have the memories. But still. It went by so fast. Not everything did I do perfect. But everything, I did out of love. Sincere love. Real love. The kind of love that isn't so prevalent anymore. The kind of love that's overBooked* and underappreciated.
*I meant to write "over booked." By that, I mean that every one needs it. Everyone wants it. And it seems like there's not enough to go around.
To relax my mind, I'm going to name 5 things the average person wouldn't know about me. Being that I'm an open and honest person, almost to a fault, I will have to dig deep.
1) I love realistic art. Ok, maybe that one isn't so far fetched. But still...
2) I dream of having a photography studio of my own.
3) Typing relaxes me.
4) I despise scary movies. They are ridiculous and should NEVER be made.
5) I hate talking on the phone. With a passion.
6) I LOVE history. Colonial and and Civil War America ESPECIALLY.
7) I like to bake desserts.
8) I love scrapbooking and sewing.
Ok, so maybe I didn't have to try all that hard....the above, with the exception of the photography, typing, and scary movies, makes me sound Betty Crocker-ish...which isn't so bad.
My mind is relaxed, so thanks for reading,
J
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Every year, about this time, I have visions of Christmas and my soul gets giddy. Oh, how I love that time of year. The excitement, the bliss, the forgiveness, the stories, and on and on. But each year, there is a tinge of sadness for what isn't.
A very few years ago, after traveling to my grandparents' place out of town, we received news that there had been a terrible wreck on their road, and the boy across the street had died. The boyfriend of his mama had lost control of the vehicle just mere minutes away from their house, and this little boy without the protection of the seatbelt flew out of the vehicle which rolled over him. The scene was found by my family. The mama was holding her now dead son and rocking him. There were other children in the car. But she held on tightly to what she had already lost.
I am reminded that life is for but a minute. It isn't long, and tomorrow isn't a promised thing. And in life, losing someone is heartbreaking. It's heartwrenching. But as Christians, we can't forget that in our sorrow, others are mourning as well. Others are heartbroken. It's so difficult in the situation of death to let go. To let go of what you've already lost thinking if you hold it tightly enough, you won't be losing anything. Instead, you end up losing everything.
I don't even know if I'm qualified to write this blog being that I've experienced few deaths and am blessed because of that.
I do recall, however, one Spring day hearing the news that my paw paw had passed away while on vacation to see his favorite flower in full bloom-the Dogwood. I knew before my mama ever got off the phone. I knew he was gone. I remember the neighbor coming and saying that Imy brother and I didn't have to go to school and that I could cry however long I wanted to. But I didn't. I held them so very tightly in and wouldn't let a tear fall. In retrospect, I reckon it was because I was so afraid of letting the tears go, as if tears would be truly admitting he was gone. Oh, but I was a sad little girl. Knowing what I know now, knowing how much damage holding too tightly to things as trivial as tears causes, I would have let them flow. I would have cried until I couldn't cry anymore. So I was what I thought was "brave" and didn't shed any tears. And for a long while, I didn't talk about him either.
You see, I think the reason we have a hard time talking about the dead is because it's so very hard to change to past tense verbs. So difficult and gutwrenching to say "He used to...." "He loved me..." Because by doing that very thing, we are letting a piece of that person go. They say the first step to anything is in realizing. When we change the tense of our verbs after a loved one's passing, we are realizing, even if subconsciously, that the person isn't coming back and won't ever do any of those things again. And that in itself is heartbreaking.
So we don't talk. At least, not for a while. And eventually, someone realizes that talking is a necessity in the healing process...so talk slowly builds until one day, it isn't awkward. Until one day, it's easy to talk about the loved one.
I didn't really have a direction to go with this blog. Just wanted to write a bit. Thanks for letting me share and sorry for not tying everything up with a pretty pink ribbon in a pretty big bow.
Through life and death, God is there with us guiding us with His gentle hand and giving us comfort we cannot understand. All glory and honor and power are His and His alone.
J
A very few years ago, after traveling to my grandparents' place out of town, we received news that there had been a terrible wreck on their road, and the boy across the street had died. The boyfriend of his mama had lost control of the vehicle just mere minutes away from their house, and this little boy without the protection of the seatbelt flew out of the vehicle which rolled over him. The scene was found by my family. The mama was holding her now dead son and rocking him. There were other children in the car. But she held on tightly to what she had already lost.
I am reminded that life is for but a minute. It isn't long, and tomorrow isn't a promised thing. And in life, losing someone is heartbreaking. It's heartwrenching. But as Christians, we can't forget that in our sorrow, others are mourning as well. Others are heartbroken. It's so difficult in the situation of death to let go. To let go of what you've already lost thinking if you hold it tightly enough, you won't be losing anything. Instead, you end up losing everything.
I don't even know if I'm qualified to write this blog being that I've experienced few deaths and am blessed because of that.
I do recall, however, one Spring day hearing the news that my paw paw had passed away while on vacation to see his favorite flower in full bloom-the Dogwood. I knew before my mama ever got off the phone. I knew he was gone. I remember the neighbor coming and saying that Imy brother and I didn't have to go to school and that I could cry however long I wanted to. But I didn't. I held them so very tightly in and wouldn't let a tear fall. In retrospect, I reckon it was because I was so afraid of letting the tears go, as if tears would be truly admitting he was gone. Oh, but I was a sad little girl. Knowing what I know now, knowing how much damage holding too tightly to things as trivial as tears causes, I would have let them flow. I would have cried until I couldn't cry anymore. So I was what I thought was "brave" and didn't shed any tears. And for a long while, I didn't talk about him either.
You see, I think the reason we have a hard time talking about the dead is because it's so very hard to change to past tense verbs. So difficult and gutwrenching to say "He used to...." "He loved me..." Because by doing that very thing, we are letting a piece of that person go. They say the first step to anything is in realizing. When we change the tense of our verbs after a loved one's passing, we are realizing, even if subconsciously, that the person isn't coming back and won't ever do any of those things again. And that in itself is heartbreaking.
So we don't talk. At least, not for a while. And eventually, someone realizes that talking is a necessity in the healing process...so talk slowly builds until one day, it isn't awkward. Until one day, it's easy to talk about the loved one.
I didn't really have a direction to go with this blog. Just wanted to write a bit. Thanks for letting me share and sorry for not tying everything up with a pretty pink ribbon in a pretty big bow.
Through life and death, God is there with us guiding us with His gentle hand and giving us comfort we cannot understand. All glory and honor and power are His and His alone.
J
Monday, July 6, 2009
Answers
Today. July 6 2009. Today, I have been mixed up and jumbled about. Today, I have ran a complete operation. Today, I did errands. Today, I have been upset. Today, I have been angry. Today, I have been mad, hurt, sad, weighted down. Worst of all, today, I have wanted to seek vengence.
You don't have to preach to me...I KNOW! Vegence is the Lord's alone. Not mine. Nonetheless, I wanted to seek it. For all the dreams I've dreamed that have fallen like dust. For all the ideas that haven't been fruitful. For all the ways I've been disappointed. And all the ways I've been a disappointment.
You see, today, I almost ignored someone on Facebook. And while I could say that the keyword here is "almost", it wouldn't be displaying the whole truth. I desperately wanted to. I desperately wanted to turn away and not accept this person. And it was a button away proclaiming and screaming at me "Pick me! I'm the ignore button! You don't have to be friends!"
But my mind traveled back to a few days ago. I was listing all the things I want in my mind "A House, a good job, to be finished with school, and on and on"...and it hit me. Those were ways to make ME happy. Yep, you read that correctly the first time. I have fallen into the "ME society" wholeheartedly and forgot to even question myself on the way down. But down is exactly where I've landed because of this. Down in the dumps. Down in my spirit. Down. Everything has become mundane and those things once thought of in my childhood as "perfect" have lost their luster.
Like the pile of clothes on the half of my bed I don't use and like the rest of the "ME society", I push things I don't want to deal with....things like questions that I don't know the answers to...away until I forget about them (rather convienently, I might add). But what I've failed to realize is that these things..these scary and ugly things...must get dredged back up. They always resurface. I always have to face them again. Pushing them off for the moment doesn't mean they go away.
Even as I write this, there are things in my heart bubbling to the surface that I tamp down because the human in me is too afraid to deal with them. What I do realize is that at this very moment, I have and serve a God who is superior to everything you could ever name and so much more. A God who knows every answer to every question but knows which answers to tell me and which answers I do not need to know. Does this scare me? No. I cannot do everything. I CAN, however, do ANYthing "through Christ who strengthens me."
The answer to those unanswerable by me questions....is God knows. He knows everything.
One final question: Have YOU prayed for Kate McRae today? Please take the time to read her story through her parents in the "Journal" section of http://caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate
You don't have to preach to me...I KNOW! Vegence is the Lord's alone. Not mine. Nonetheless, I wanted to seek it. For all the dreams I've dreamed that have fallen like dust. For all the ideas that haven't been fruitful. For all the ways I've been disappointed. And all the ways I've been a disappointment.
You see, today, I almost ignored someone on Facebook. And while I could say that the keyword here is "almost", it wouldn't be displaying the whole truth. I desperately wanted to. I desperately wanted to turn away and not accept this person. And it was a button away proclaiming and screaming at me "Pick me! I'm the ignore button! You don't have to be friends!"
But my mind traveled back to a few days ago. I was listing all the things I want in my mind "A House, a good job, to be finished with school, and on and on"...and it hit me. Those were ways to make ME happy. Yep, you read that correctly the first time. I have fallen into the "ME society" wholeheartedly and forgot to even question myself on the way down. But down is exactly where I've landed because of this. Down in the dumps. Down in my spirit. Down. Everything has become mundane and those things once thought of in my childhood as "perfect" have lost their luster.
Like the pile of clothes on the half of my bed I don't use and like the rest of the "ME society", I push things I don't want to deal with....things like questions that I don't know the answers to...away until I forget about them (rather convienently, I might add). But what I've failed to realize is that these things..these scary and ugly things...must get dredged back up. They always resurface. I always have to face them again. Pushing them off for the moment doesn't mean they go away.
Even as I write this, there are things in my heart bubbling to the surface that I tamp down because the human in me is too afraid to deal with them. What I do realize is that at this very moment, I have and serve a God who is superior to everything you could ever name and so much more. A God who knows every answer to every question but knows which answers to tell me and which answers I do not need to know. Does this scare me? No. I cannot do everything. I CAN, however, do ANYthing "through Christ who strengthens me."
The answer to those unanswerable by me questions....is God knows. He knows everything.
One final question: Have YOU prayed for Kate McRae today? Please take the time to read her story through her parents in the "Journal" section of http://caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate
Monday, June 22, 2009
Water
I have an ulcer. Most people get rid of them in a few days. Not me. Mine seem to stick around for WEEKS. As long as I keep my mouth shut...not a problem. But that's a problem for me. Not because I love talking (I do..but I can control myself). It's a problem because people assume I am snobby when I don't talk or smile. Truth is: I am in PAIN. Wet your panties and let tears run down your cheeks kind of pain. Seriously, would you want to talk much less smile knowing that would be the reward?!
I am sure by now the infection is within whatever is smaller than a millimeter from eating through my ENTIRE cheek, and soon, I will have an enormous hole in my cheek. Yep, totally sure of it. And what became of my immune system?! Isn't that supposed to fight off infections? Why isn't it working? Come onnnnnnnnn, Body! Work, work, worrrrrrrrrrk!!!
How ridiculous are ulcers?! I wish I were one of those people who were blessed never to have one. I am jealous of non-ulcer-getting people.
And now, I need to go to bed. Knowing that when I wake up, my ulcer will have intertwined itself into a strip of metal also known as my retainer and I will have to pull the burning flesh away from the wire and this will cause water to flow freely from my body.
If it just wouldn't burn, Mr. Ulcer (gotta be a male...) and I would get along perfectly. But, he has to burn.
Okay, enough. While Ulceeeeeeeerrrr (prounounced w/ a French accent) multiplies his ugliness, I need my beauty sleep.
It wouldn't be me if I didn't have an end note that was positive. God knows every ulcer I will ever get.
Love,
J
I am sure by now the infection is within whatever is smaller than a millimeter from eating through my ENTIRE cheek, and soon, I will have an enormous hole in my cheek. Yep, totally sure of it. And what became of my immune system?! Isn't that supposed to fight off infections? Why isn't it working? Come onnnnnnnnn, Body! Work, work, worrrrrrrrrrk!!!
How ridiculous are ulcers?! I wish I were one of those people who were blessed never to have one. I am jealous of non-ulcer-getting people.
And now, I need to go to bed. Knowing that when I wake up, my ulcer will have intertwined itself into a strip of metal also known as my retainer and I will have to pull the burning flesh away from the wire and this will cause water to flow freely from my body.
If it just wouldn't burn, Mr. Ulcer (gotta be a male...) and I would get along perfectly. But, he has to burn.
Okay, enough. While Ulceeeeeeeerrrr (prounounced w/ a French accent) multiplies his ugliness, I need my beauty sleep.
It wouldn't be me if I didn't have an end note that was positive. God knows every ulcer I will ever get.
Love,
J
Saturday, May 30, 2009
At the end of writing this, I had a big laugh:-) How Perfect!
There's so much.
Whoa. Broad statement, I know. I'll try my best to enlighten both myself and you as to what this means. But in a later blog. I feel light tonight. I don't feel like going deep into my heart and unjumbling such a big thing.
I'm supposed to be asleep so that I can be well rested for church tomorrow. But is my brain settling down?! Noooooooo. It's like Katy the train at Dollywood. It just keeps chuggalugging right up that mountain.
I feel like I should try to explain women at this point. Today, my brother (being the all observant man that he is) pointed out the ground breaking fact that I am emotional. I yo-yo'd between patting him on the back while making him feel like he's figured out the world and punching the living daylights out of his arm (see, if I were the violent type, that would have been his face...but I'm not violent...certainly not me!) to make him see how inconsiderate and ridiculous that comment was.
The first won out. (another example of me NOT being violent!)
YES, I AM EMOTIONAL. Good job, big buddy. Ding ding ding! We have a winnerrrrrrrrr. One second, I am completely fine, and the next, I am ready to take a swing at someone. Is this normal? In all women that I have seen, yes, it is. Completely. Totally. Normal. Maybe some women hide it, some are more adept in handling it, and some, like me, "fly off the handle" with things. But every woman that I have ever met, read about, or seen is this "emotional" he is talking about.
And then, the Adam and Eve discussion was brought up. Ok, let's get this clear. Eve was seduced by a snake (the DEVIL). Adam followed Eve and he was supposed to be the leader of the two. What happened?!
And even if Eve did eat the fruit and made a bad decision, what of this is MY fault?! I did not affect her choice, I can assure you of that. I am absolutely certain that Eve did not look thousands of years into the future and say, "Because of Jessica, I will eat this fruit and doom mankind." Do not tell me that women brought this upon themselves. One woman brought this upon me. And the Devil (a male figure) brought it upon her. It is not my fault.
Emotional. Yep, that's me to a T. I would rather call it "passionate". But in this male domineering world, it shall remain "emotional" and little me cannot change that. I care about many subjects and people and things. I will continue to be "emotional" whenever I please. Thank you very much, big brother, for noticing that I am indeed "emotional".
Whoa. Broad statement, I know. I'll try my best to enlighten both myself and you as to what this means. But in a later blog. I feel light tonight. I don't feel like going deep into my heart and unjumbling such a big thing.
I'm supposed to be asleep so that I can be well rested for church tomorrow. But is my brain settling down?! Noooooooo. It's like Katy the train at Dollywood. It just keeps chuggalugging right up that mountain.
I feel like I should try to explain women at this point. Today, my brother (being the all observant man that he is) pointed out the ground breaking fact that I am emotional. I yo-yo'd between patting him on the back while making him feel like he's figured out the world and punching the living daylights out of his arm (see, if I were the violent type, that would have been his face...but I'm not violent...certainly not me!) to make him see how inconsiderate and ridiculous that comment was.
The first won out. (another example of me NOT being violent!)
YES, I AM EMOTIONAL. Good job, big buddy. Ding ding ding! We have a winnerrrrrrrrr. One second, I am completely fine, and the next, I am ready to take a swing at someone. Is this normal? In all women that I have seen, yes, it is. Completely. Totally. Normal. Maybe some women hide it, some are more adept in handling it, and some, like me, "fly off the handle" with things. But every woman that I have ever met, read about, or seen is this "emotional" he is talking about.
And then, the Adam and Eve discussion was brought up. Ok, let's get this clear. Eve was seduced by a snake (the DEVIL). Adam followed Eve and he was supposed to be the leader of the two. What happened?!
And even if Eve did eat the fruit and made a bad decision, what of this is MY fault?! I did not affect her choice, I can assure you of that. I am absolutely certain that Eve did not look thousands of years into the future and say, "Because of Jessica, I will eat this fruit and doom mankind." Do not tell me that women brought this upon themselves. One woman brought this upon me. And the Devil (a male figure) brought it upon her. It is not my fault.
Emotional. Yep, that's me to a T. I would rather call it "passionate". But in this male domineering world, it shall remain "emotional" and little me cannot change that. I care about many subjects and people and things. I will continue to be "emotional" whenever I please. Thank you very much, big brother, for noticing that I am indeed "emotional".
Saturday, May 16, 2009
My Tippy Top List of Things I Know Now
The semester has come to an end. Ahhhhhhh. What a wonderful feeling. It was, without a doubt, THE hardest semester in my entire life. Three things I've learned and still am in the process of remembering and embrazoning in my heart this semester:
1) Pray but don't forget to listen. God is listening no matter what time of day it may be...but He's got more to say than you do sometimes. Instead of bombarding Him with questions and Please-bless-thats, I need to try, "I am listening now." and truly be silent.
2) Believe. There IS a God. And when you feel like no one understands, no one cares, no one has ever been where you are right now, not even me, He is there and willing to wrap you in His embrace. I know, I know. You've heard that all before. So had I. For 19 years. But it was not enough. I needed to live it. I needed to be there in those moments when I felt like all of the above was going on to truly be able to say, "Yes, God is real." Face it, we all have a bit of Thomas inside of us. We all want proof of everything. When I felt like nothing could save or help me, He proved He was there. He didn't have to do that, but He loved me. He cared for me. Why, He even listened to me fit about things I couldn't control and things that were so minute yet so big to me....all to help me believe.
3) Be appreciative. Nothing is kinder than a thank you note to show just how much I care about someone. A note means that I did not pick somethin goff the shelf and proclaim it good enough to be a thanks. It means I love the person enough to actually think about them and took the time to write out everything I love about them. It is a personal goal to do a LOT more of this stuff. Just because I can't afford huge diamond rings doesn't mean I can't put a HUGE amount of thought and love into a note.
Ok, that's it. Of all the kings, laws, rules, grammar, biology, and how to be an educator, these three things are at the top of my "I am so glad I learned these things." In fact, they're the tippiest top.
Love,
Jessica
1) Pray but don't forget to listen. God is listening no matter what time of day it may be...but He's got more to say than you do sometimes. Instead of bombarding Him with questions and Please-bless-thats, I need to try, "I am listening now." and truly be silent.
2) Believe. There IS a God. And when you feel like no one understands, no one cares, no one has ever been where you are right now, not even me, He is there and willing to wrap you in His embrace. I know, I know. You've heard that all before. So had I. For 19 years. But it was not enough. I needed to live it. I needed to be there in those moments when I felt like all of the above was going on to truly be able to say, "Yes, God is real." Face it, we all have a bit of Thomas inside of us. We all want proof of everything. When I felt like nothing could save or help me, He proved He was there. He didn't have to do that, but He loved me. He cared for me. Why, He even listened to me fit about things I couldn't control and things that were so minute yet so big to me....all to help me believe.
3) Be appreciative. Nothing is kinder than a thank you note to show just how much I care about someone. A note means that I did not pick somethin goff the shelf and proclaim it good enough to be a thanks. It means I love the person enough to actually think about them and took the time to write out everything I love about them. It is a personal goal to do a LOT more of this stuff. Just because I can't afford huge diamond rings doesn't mean I can't put a HUGE amount of thought and love into a note.
Ok, that's it. Of all the kings, laws, rules, grammar, biology, and how to be an educator, these three things are at the top of my "I am so glad I learned these things." In fact, they're the tippiest top.
Love,
Jessica
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Do You Dare to Listen?
My family and I just talked for 2 and a half hours...and it was fantastic. I loved it. That came as no surprise to me. However, the thought just popped in my mind, "How many families in this world could do that...leave all signs of modern technology alone, all selfishness alone, and simply talk about dreams without everyone talking at once, someone talking on the phone, someone texting, a tv blaring, someone fighting?" The answer I formed was not many. Sure, there are a couple of families that come to mind...but very few. Very very very few.
You see, my parents made it a point, at a very young age (so young that I don't remember this), they began having times where we as a family would talk. At first, I'm sure it was shorter periods; however, that has grown into 2 1/2 hours and ended only because it is so late and everyone needed sleep. I don't know if my parents consciously did this...I just remember that as a child, my dad would say, "Come sit down and let's talk." My heart would jump, and my mind would begin buzzing. I knew that this was a time when I could hear and say everything. This was a time that a lot of things would be learned and stored away for future use...good life lessons whether the topic be a new house, upcoming vaction, or the weather... I KNEW I was going to learn something...and that excited me more than talking did (don't tell my family...I still DO LOVE to talk :). In fact, I would keep talking in the high hopes that THEY would keep talking....so that I could learn something else.
My point is many Americans are not conditioned to listen. We wonder why suicide and violence is up? Most times, the committer doesn't feel heard. Imgaine that. Does anyone see the connection I see? It might be a long shot, but by listening, we might could lessen violence...just by showing someone that you will listen. How simple. Yet how hard. "I'm soooooooo busy...I just don't have time to listen to him/her blab on and on." YOU listening could very well save that person's life...at the very least, you're making his/her life waaaaaaaay better.
Listening shows you care. You care enough about a person to put down what you are doing, stop your brain from its 90 mph speed track (it needs a break anyway) and actually listen. THAT TAKES A LOT OF CARING!
Anyway, back to the family chats. On those nights that we would sit in our pjs and simply talk, I felt loved. I felt cherished. I felt like I belonged in a place I could always call "mine". I was with my family. Some of the best times of my life have been spent there with them chiming in my worth nearly every 2 seconds. And they put up with that. The zillions of questions, the "I don't understands", the "I don't think..."s. All of it. My family answered every question, tried to explain every I-don't-understand, and encouraged me to think the way I wanted to think.
I can honestly say that, though we're not perfect, I am blessed with a truly amazing family. Thank YOU, Jesus! He really does know everything we need.
Be blessed,
Jessica
You see, my parents made it a point, at a very young age (so young that I don't remember this), they began having times where we as a family would talk. At first, I'm sure it was shorter periods; however, that has grown into 2 1/2 hours and ended only because it is so late and everyone needed sleep. I don't know if my parents consciously did this...I just remember that as a child, my dad would say, "Come sit down and let's talk." My heart would jump, and my mind would begin buzzing. I knew that this was a time when I could hear and say everything. This was a time that a lot of things would be learned and stored away for future use...good life lessons whether the topic be a new house, upcoming vaction, or the weather... I KNEW I was going to learn something...and that excited me more than talking did (don't tell my family...I still DO LOVE to talk :). In fact, I would keep talking in the high hopes that THEY would keep talking....so that I could learn something else.
My point is many Americans are not conditioned to listen. We wonder why suicide and violence is up? Most times, the committer doesn't feel heard. Imgaine that. Does anyone see the connection I see? It might be a long shot, but by listening, we might could lessen violence...just by showing someone that you will listen. How simple. Yet how hard. "I'm soooooooo busy...I just don't have time to listen to him/her blab on and on." YOU listening could very well save that person's life...at the very least, you're making his/her life waaaaaaaay better.
Listening shows you care. You care enough about a person to put down what you are doing, stop your brain from its 90 mph speed track (it needs a break anyway) and actually listen. THAT TAKES A LOT OF CARING!
Anyway, back to the family chats. On those nights that we would sit in our pjs and simply talk, I felt loved. I felt cherished. I felt like I belonged in a place I could always call "mine". I was with my family. Some of the best times of my life have been spent there with them chiming in my worth nearly every 2 seconds. And they put up with that. The zillions of questions, the "I don't understands", the "I don't think..."s. All of it. My family answered every question, tried to explain every I-don't-understand, and encouraged me to think the way I wanted to think.
I can honestly say that, though we're not perfect, I am blessed with a truly amazing family. Thank YOU, Jesus! He really does know everything we need.
Be blessed,
Jessica
Friday, April 3, 2009
Questions
So a few things have been happening since I've last blogged. Interesting things, you ask? Well, perhaps one step further to the word imperative.
Sure, there has been the normal life stuff...getting mad at the guy who walks so slowly while smoking a cigarrette KNOWING the sidewalk isn't big enough for me to pass...getting over the illness...the millions of appointments that seem to have all come up at once....tests that aren't going so well...teachers who don't want to teach...THOSE kind of things.
But along with that, came lessons that I know one day will be counted as invaluable. Learning to be patient. Whew. How hard THAT is. Learning that God has a plan and even though I'm but a pixel right now, someday, I hope to be able to stand back from the painting that is my life and see the Masterpiece and the delicate strokes that comprise me. I want to see how much God has led me...how much God knows what's best.
At the pixel level, it's so hard to see how everything can get done...all I see is the VAST rough canvas that has SO much to be colored and covered...yet I have just in this moment of writing realized I am not meant to be the Painter alone. I, the human who wants to be a show off and handle the ENTIRE canvas by myself, do not know the mixtures of the paints, the mediums, the texture the painting must have. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PAINT.
Letting go of things has always been a difficulty for me. How exactly does one go about such? Is it worry that I'm hanging on to? Fear? Stress? Are they all one? Why am I holding on so tightly to such destroying things? Really, they're all just feelings...ideas....
Maybe I should tell you one more thing before I go study: answers don't always get pretty bows attached from God saying, "HERE LIES THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS." Sometimes it's a still quiet voice that we often miss. Sometimes, it's a blessing we didn't expect. And sometimes, dear friends, answers seem elusive. I won't lie and say in my next blog, I'll have all the answers. I can say, however, that I fully intend to listen rather intently for God's voice and let Him lead my heart in the right direction so that I can have a beautiful canvas.
Until next time, may God bless you,
J
Sure, there has been the normal life stuff...getting mad at the guy who walks so slowly while smoking a cigarrette KNOWING the sidewalk isn't big enough for me to pass...getting over the illness...the millions of appointments that seem to have all come up at once....tests that aren't going so well...teachers who don't want to teach...THOSE kind of things.
But along with that, came lessons that I know one day will be counted as invaluable. Learning to be patient. Whew. How hard THAT is. Learning that God has a plan and even though I'm but a pixel right now, someday, I hope to be able to stand back from the painting that is my life and see the Masterpiece and the delicate strokes that comprise me. I want to see how much God has led me...how much God knows what's best.
At the pixel level, it's so hard to see how everything can get done...all I see is the VAST rough canvas that has SO much to be colored and covered...yet I have just in this moment of writing realized I am not meant to be the Painter alone. I, the human who wants to be a show off and handle the ENTIRE canvas by myself, do not know the mixtures of the paints, the mediums, the texture the painting must have. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PAINT.
Letting go of things has always been a difficulty for me. How exactly does one go about such? Is it worry that I'm hanging on to? Fear? Stress? Are they all one? Why am I holding on so tightly to such destroying things? Really, they're all just feelings...ideas....
Maybe I should tell you one more thing before I go study: answers don't always get pretty bows attached from God saying, "HERE LIES THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS." Sometimes it's a still quiet voice that we often miss. Sometimes, it's a blessing we didn't expect. And sometimes, dear friends, answers seem elusive. I won't lie and say in my next blog, I'll have all the answers. I can say, however, that I fully intend to listen rather intently for God's voice and let Him lead my heart in the right direction so that I can have a beautiful canvas.
Until next time, may God bless you,
J
Monday, March 9, 2009
My Sunny Day Will Come
So. I had an honest to goodness breakdown today. I found myself at the point of throwing it all away. People who know me said I wouldn't and couldn't. And I have always been someone who told somebody else in that situation that they needed to hold on...that there IS a sunny day waiting to come. But at that very moment, it even surprised me how strong that urge to throw my hands up is. I now understand how people get pushed to that brink of giving up...with no one around them beginning to know how serious they really are. I'm not talking suicide...that's just ridiculous. I'm talking throwing away college, something I've worked for my entire academic life.
Sure, it sounds like a minor issue compared to world hunger, a rising level of poverty, unemployment skyrocketing, etc. But to me, in my universe, IT'S HUGE. Bigger than life at times. College isn't something I went in to quit. But at that moment, quitting sounded blissful; however, with blissful came fear. Terrifying, gripping fear that seized my soul, and I became trapped there for a few minutes. It horrified me to see just how ugly I can be. Just how bad of decisions can roll through my head. Just how quickly all that can happen.
Message here: BREAKDOWNS CAN HAPPEN. It did happen to me today. And I must learn from it, apply the lesson to mylife, and go on. I wish I could write, "And now, my sunny day has come." But at this moment, I can't. I can only cling to that ever too wispy hope that claims there WILL be a better day. In my heart, I believe this; however, getting my head to rationally explain it and believe in it is another story.
The only thing I can say for certain is God got me through today, so I'm trusting He has HIS plans laid out and today, March 9, 2009, was created and fabricated the way it turned out...that it didn't "just happen". That every difficulty thrown my way today and everything I did to mangle through and everything I tried that failed to lift that fog off of my path so that I could see the next bend were ALL part of that Plan I'm trying to follow.
For some reason, the thought keeps popping into my head, "He didn't promise me 'Sunny' everyday..."He DID promise to keep me in His hands....and right now, I do believe that's the best place for me.
Tonight, when I pray, I will leave myself in His Hands. And there, I will stay.
Sure, it sounds like a minor issue compared to world hunger, a rising level of poverty, unemployment skyrocketing, etc. But to me, in my universe, IT'S HUGE. Bigger than life at times. College isn't something I went in to quit. But at that moment, quitting sounded blissful; however, with blissful came fear. Terrifying, gripping fear that seized my soul, and I became trapped there for a few minutes. It horrified me to see just how ugly I can be. Just how bad of decisions can roll through my head. Just how quickly all that can happen.
Message here: BREAKDOWNS CAN HAPPEN. It did happen to me today. And I must learn from it, apply the lesson to mylife, and go on. I wish I could write, "And now, my sunny day has come." But at this moment, I can't. I can only cling to that ever too wispy hope that claims there WILL be a better day. In my heart, I believe this; however, getting my head to rationally explain it and believe in it is another story.
The only thing I can say for certain is God got me through today, so I'm trusting He has HIS plans laid out and today, March 9, 2009, was created and fabricated the way it turned out...that it didn't "just happen". That every difficulty thrown my way today and everything I did to mangle through and everything I tried that failed to lift that fog off of my path so that I could see the next bend were ALL part of that Plan I'm trying to follow.
For some reason, the thought keeps popping into my head, "He didn't promise me 'Sunny' everyday..."He DID promise to keep me in His hands....and right now, I do believe that's the best place for me.
Tonight, when I pray, I will leave myself in His Hands. And there, I will stay.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
ROAD TRIP!
Yesterday, I was ferried to Foley, Alabama. While is was amazing, it was also a trip of hidden realizations both of myself and in general.
I bought a watch. Actually, I bought two watches...one for me and one for Mom. They're both cute and Fossil and fit perfectly. We got in the truck, a little later than planned, to go eat at Lambert's, and immediately, I began to worry because we weren't on time. "They surely will be too busy." "They won't be accepting any more guests." "It will be waaaaaaaaay to long to wiat even though we drove hours to eat here." I was worried...to say the least.
I realized we don't afford the time to do what is most important to us. Instead, we slump around doing everything we know isn't worth the TIME....just because it "has to be done." Instead of worrying about the time, I should have been focused on the fact that I got to spend even more time talking with my parents...something that's rare in a house filled with 11...about to be 12, children and infants.
Yet, we do nothing to change that habit we've somehow formed of doing the mundane. We continue our roads to afford us comfort and peace in our minds...knowing we are getting things checked off the ever so important long list....only to add MORE things to that list.
I realized that I, for the past YEARS have been on this road needing to do everything on my list. But recently, I was overwhelmed by the fact that the list wasn't being cut down even though I was actively fighting to get that to happen. Yesterday, I saw that even though I will always have a million and one things to do, and not near enough time to do it in, I DO have control of what I do in the time I'm given. I have to CHOOSE to fill it with the important things...time doesn't control itself.
There will always be a list...but now, I'll make sure to include something that's important to me everyday on that list to remind myself that, unless I fill some TIME with important things, the TIME will be filled with something else.
When I was little, somehow I got the saying, "You can never do nothing." Nothing is...well nothing. It is a concept, an idea, at best. If you set out to do "nothing", you will certaintly face failure. So instead of saying, "I am not going to do a thing today," I say, "I am going to relax today." It gives me what I need, relaxation, along with my crazy insane human nature of always needing to check something off. Best of both worlds, as a certain famous Disney star sings.
Some might call this crazy that I schedule relaxation. All the same, I do. Maybe I am crazy...
Out of time for this now :) Gotta run pick up my Granny.
Hope this makes a little sense!
J
I bought a watch. Actually, I bought two watches...one for me and one for Mom. They're both cute and Fossil and fit perfectly. We got in the truck, a little later than planned, to go eat at Lambert's, and immediately, I began to worry because we weren't on time. "They surely will be too busy." "They won't be accepting any more guests." "It will be waaaaaaaaay to long to wiat even though we drove hours to eat here." I was worried...to say the least.
I realized we don't afford the time to do what is most important to us. Instead, we slump around doing everything we know isn't worth the TIME....just because it "has to be done." Instead of worrying about the time, I should have been focused on the fact that I got to spend even more time talking with my parents...something that's rare in a house filled with 11...about to be 12, children and infants.
Yet, we do nothing to change that habit we've somehow formed of doing the mundane. We continue our roads to afford us comfort and peace in our minds...knowing we are getting things checked off the ever so important long list....only to add MORE things to that list.
I realized that I, for the past YEARS have been on this road needing to do everything on my list. But recently, I was overwhelmed by the fact that the list wasn't being cut down even though I was actively fighting to get that to happen. Yesterday, I saw that even though I will always have a million and one things to do, and not near enough time to do it in, I DO have control of what I do in the time I'm given. I have to CHOOSE to fill it with the important things...time doesn't control itself.
There will always be a list...but now, I'll make sure to include something that's important to me everyday on that list to remind myself that, unless I fill some TIME with important things, the TIME will be filled with something else.
When I was little, somehow I got the saying, "You can never do nothing." Nothing is...well nothing. It is a concept, an idea, at best. If you set out to do "nothing", you will certaintly face failure. So instead of saying, "I am not going to do a thing today," I say, "I am going to relax today." It gives me what I need, relaxation, along with my crazy insane human nature of always needing to check something off. Best of both worlds, as a certain famous Disney star sings.
Some might call this crazy that I schedule relaxation. All the same, I do. Maybe I am crazy...
Out of time for this now :) Gotta run pick up my Granny.
Hope this makes a little sense!
J
Sunday, January 4, 2009
A Complete Rant
So. This will be a kind of rant. Just a few things...I hope.
Thing # 1: I'm sick of this "you can do anything you want..." mindset. #1 reason: It is a lie and too vague. There will be somethings I can NEVER do. #2 It is so overwhelming to be told this as if you already don't know the ridiculous amount of choices you are faced with. #3 It causes people to lose sight or never really ask God what HE wants for their lives. All the hear from the time they are young is "YOU can be anything YOU want..." God is never factored into that statement...which is completely ridiculous. What they should say, "God will lead you where you need to be. Be patient and do the best you can." This gives the person a tip on what he or she needs to be doing in thewhilst watiting for God to point a clear path. It isn't the least bit vague.
Thing # 2: I'm a bit overwhelmed from people putting me in the middle of situations and of myself doing this very thingto my very own self. My shoulders are too saggy to bear this weight...and it just keeps happening over and over. I love talking to people. I love listening to people. Problem is: I have this "I need to solve it." complex. Anytime anyone tells me anything I IMMEDIATELY begin to rack my brain for possible solutions. Thing is, I do not KNOW very many solutions and feel entirely like a failure when I can't "fix" these problems. Feeling like a failure isn't the problem....it's the failing part.
Thing # 3: Why do I let myself say thing I later regret ever saying? Why didn't I come with a filter? One that filters my words BEFORE I say them...not AFTER they're said.
Thing # 2 has been bothering me for quite a while. I have an internal "you need to fix their problem" mechanism that kicks into overdrive. When really what I NEED to have is an internal "you need to pray for them" mechanism. I can't fix very much on my own...only God knows what each and every person truly needs. For some reason, I can't get that through my skull. Fingers and heart realize it...but brain just won't accept that. HOW ANNOYING!
Thing # 1 is just a pet peeve. Not really a problem per se.
Anyway, those are the things that have been on my brain and heart for the past few minutes...so there ya have it. Any suggestions?
J
Thing # 1: I'm sick of this "you can do anything you want..." mindset. #1 reason: It is a lie and too vague. There will be somethings I can NEVER do. #2 It is so overwhelming to be told this as if you already don't know the ridiculous amount of choices you are faced with. #3 It causes people to lose sight or never really ask God what HE wants for their lives. All the hear from the time they are young is "YOU can be anything YOU want..." God is never factored into that statement...which is completely ridiculous. What they should say, "God will lead you where you need to be. Be patient and do the best you can." This gives the person a tip on what he or she needs to be doing in thewhilst watiting for God to point a clear path. It isn't the least bit vague.
Thing # 2: I'm a bit overwhelmed from people putting me in the middle of situations and of myself doing this very thingto my very own self. My shoulders are too saggy to bear this weight...and it just keeps happening over and over. I love talking to people. I love listening to people. Problem is: I have this "I need to solve it." complex. Anytime anyone tells me anything I IMMEDIATELY begin to rack my brain for possible solutions. Thing is, I do not KNOW very many solutions and feel entirely like a failure when I can't "fix" these problems. Feeling like a failure isn't the problem....it's the failing part.
Thing # 3: Why do I let myself say thing I later regret ever saying? Why didn't I come with a filter? One that filters my words BEFORE I say them...not AFTER they're said.
Thing # 2 has been bothering me for quite a while. I have an internal "you need to fix their problem" mechanism that kicks into overdrive. When really what I NEED to have is an internal "you need to pray for them" mechanism. I can't fix very much on my own...only God knows what each and every person truly needs. For some reason, I can't get that through my skull. Fingers and heart realize it...but brain just won't accept that. HOW ANNOYING!
Thing # 1 is just a pet peeve. Not really a problem per se.
Anyway, those are the things that have been on my brain and heart for the past few minutes...so there ya have it. Any suggestions?
J
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Just a little glimpse
I live the life of a college student. And although it is time consuming, demanding, stressful, etc....I try to capture every single second of it. Trying to make sense of life is like trying to make a square a circle...some things just aren't meant to be. As I attempt to figure things out, I will let you know of my findings!
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