Photography and Such....

I got a new camera....and I couldn't be happier.

Of the 178 pictures I have taken with this camera, these two are my favorites...no reason why.

Anyway, maybe now I am an official photographer. Maybe. But I never imagined myself as one. So being one is difficult because-well, because I don't know how to be one. Thus, I am trekking forward and beginning a new thing. A thing I had no idea about.

Of COURSE, I'd be a teacher. Of course, I'd love to play piano. But I had absolutely NO idea this photography thing (thing=total love of the photography) would come along.

Now keep in mind that this isn't somthing that I've elected NOT to do--it's just nothing I THOUGHT I would do. And now that I do, I am LOVING every minute of it.

This blog has mostly been about uncertainty. Glimpses into my world only when I couldn't figure out where to leap next.

However, today is different. Today, I KNOW without a doubt that I am SUPPOSED to do photography. Whether that entails opening a business or just doing it sporadically, I can't answer yet. All I can say is I fully enjoy it and wholeheartedly intend to keep enjoying it.

That's it for tonight. More pictures to come--I hope :)

I Fail on the Drive

Where to begin? It's hard. Life is hard. Everyday, there are new twists, new turns, and new trials.

Everyday, there are things I wish were never said, things I wish would have been said, and things I wish I knew how to say.


I have the hardest time with relationships. I am nice. And then, I say or do something mean. Not necessarily mean...but not nice. It's crazy. And yes, I know why. I drive people away. So they won't hurt me in the long run, I drive them away as quickly and as hard as I can. There are only a few people that stay through it. Only a few that can stand me.

Is it the right thing to do? No. Is it natural? I think so. My human side hates to be hurt. My human side, however, cannot stand to be lonely either. So after I have driven away people, I am still hurt.

I always end up thinking, "Now, why did I do that?"

It's a question I can't answer. Except to give the reason of my human side taking control.

Oh, how I wish I had a manual from God stating, "Jessica, these are your exact footsteps, where you are to go, and what you are to say, exactly how NOT to hurt people and you not get hurt either."

But there isn't. There is the Bible which lays out a plan. And I try to follow it. It doesn't promise no hurt. But it promises God will be there for me even when I fail.

And I fail daily.

On the Border

Sorry for the long delay! Didn't mean for it to be so long.

Going to be doing a bit of stream of conscious writing.

I'm a junior in college. Good thing. I almost lost my sanity back in the second sophomore semseter...seriously. I almost did.

I've had to tell 3 different people in the last month that, no, it isn't my first semester in college, that yes, I AM a junior, that I am 19, and that I really am not lying. And yes, I know I look too young. Got it. Understand. Completely.

Maybe when I am 40, I'll only look 30. Maybe by the time I'm 40, I will WANT to look 40. Who knows...I've got 21 years to figure it out...

Realized life is finite and definitely has an ending. 2 funerals in one month. No, thank you. I'd rather not. Oh, I don't have a choice? Well. My lands. Guess I'll go then. I went. They were sad. The kind of sad that makes you want to ball up your fists and sock a wall. Or something like that.


Well, those are my thoughts.

Happy reading,
J

5 Things...

Today, I feel light and airy. But dark and dreary as well.

Today, my Summer job ended. So sad to let go all the fun times I've shared this Summer with that precious little girl some know as my "adopted sister". I often joke with her that I love her guts. But it's true. I love her. A deep and strong love.

I know, I'm not really letting go of the fun times. I'll have the memories. But still. It went by so fast. Not everything did I do perfect. But everything, I did out of love. Sincere love. Real love. The kind of love that isn't so prevalent anymore. The kind of love that's overBooked* and underappreciated.

*I meant to write "over booked." By that, I mean that every one needs it. Everyone wants it. And it seems like there's not enough to go around.

To relax my mind, I'm going to name 5 things the average person wouldn't know about me. Being that I'm an open and honest person, almost to a fault, I will have to dig deep.

1) I love realistic art. Ok, maybe that one isn't so far fetched. But still...
2) I dream of having a photography studio of my own.
3) Typing relaxes me.
4) I despise scary movies. They are ridiculous and should NEVER be made.
5) I hate talking on the phone. With a passion.
6) I LOVE history. Colonial and and Civil War America ESPECIALLY.
7) I like to bake desserts.
8) I love scrapbooking and sewing.

Ok, so maybe I didn't have to try all that hard....the above, with the exception of the photography, typing, and scary movies, makes me sound Betty Crocker-ish...which isn't so bad.

My mind is relaxed, so thanks for reading,
J

Every year, about this time, I have visions of Christmas and my soul gets giddy. Oh, how I love that time of year. The excitement, the bliss, the forgiveness, the stories, and on and on. But each year, there is a tinge of sadness for what isn't.

A very few years ago, after traveling to my grandparents' place out of town, we received news that there had been a terrible wreck on their road, and the boy across the street had died. The boyfriend of his mama had lost control of the vehicle just mere minutes away from their house, and this little boy without the protection of the seatbelt flew out of the vehicle which rolled over him. The scene was found by my family. The mama was holding her now dead son and rocking him. There were other children in the car. But she held on tightly to what she had already lost.

I am reminded that life is for but a minute. It isn't long, and tomorrow isn't a promised thing. And in life, losing someone is heartbreaking. It's heartwrenching. But as Christians, we can't forget that in our sorrow, others are mourning as well. Others are heartbroken. It's so difficult in the situation of death to let go. To let go of what you've already lost thinking if you hold it tightly enough, you won't be losing anything. Instead, you end up losing everything.

I don't even know if I'm qualified to write this blog being that I've experienced few deaths and am blessed because of that.

I do recall, however, one Spring day hearing the news that my paw paw had passed away while on vacation to see his favorite flower in full bloom-the Dogwood. I knew before my mama ever got off the phone. I knew he was gone. I remember the neighbor coming and saying that Imy brother and I didn't have to go to school and that I could cry however long I wanted to. But I didn't. I held them so very tightly in and wouldn't let a tear fall. In retrospect, I reckon it was because I was so afraid of letting the tears go, as if tears would be truly admitting he was gone. Oh, but I was a sad little girl. Knowing what I know now, knowing how much damage holding too tightly to things as trivial as tears causes, I would have let them flow. I would have cried until I couldn't cry anymore. So I was what I thought was "brave" and didn't shed any tears. And for a long while, I didn't talk about him either.

You see, I think the reason we have a hard time talking about the dead is because it's so very hard to change to past tense verbs. So difficult and gutwrenching to say "He used to...." "He loved me..." Because by doing that very thing, we are letting a piece of that person go. They say the first step to anything is in realizing. When we change the tense of our verbs after a loved one's passing, we are realizing, even if subconsciously, that the person isn't coming back and won't ever do any of those things again. And that in itself is heartbreaking.

So we don't talk. At least, not for a while. And eventually, someone realizes that talking is a necessity in the healing process...so talk slowly builds until one day, it isn't awkward. Until one day, it's easy to talk about the loved one.

I didn't really have a direction to go with this blog. Just wanted to write a bit. Thanks for letting me share and sorry for not tying everything up with a pretty pink ribbon in a pretty big bow.

Through life and death, God is there with us guiding us with His gentle hand and giving us comfort we cannot understand. All glory and honor and power are His and His alone.

J

Answers

Today. July 6 2009. Today, I have been mixed up and jumbled about. Today, I have ran a complete operation. Today, I did errands. Today, I have been upset. Today, I have been angry. Today, I have been mad, hurt, sad, weighted down. Worst of all, today, I have wanted to seek vengence.

You don't have to preach to me...I KNOW! Vegence is the Lord's alone. Not mine. Nonetheless, I wanted to seek it. For all the dreams I've dreamed that have fallen like dust. For all the ideas that haven't been fruitful. For all the ways I've been disappointed. And all the ways I've been a disappointment.

You see, today, I almost ignored someone on Facebook. And while I could say that the keyword here is "almost", it wouldn't be displaying the whole truth. I desperately wanted to. I desperately wanted to turn away and not accept this person. And it was a button away proclaiming and screaming at me "Pick me! I'm the ignore button! You don't have to be friends!"

But my mind traveled back to a few days ago. I was listing all the things I want in my mind "A House, a good job, to be finished with school, and on and on"...and it hit me. Those were ways to make ME happy. Yep, you read that correctly the first time. I have fallen into the "ME society" wholeheartedly and forgot to even question myself on the way down. But down is exactly where I've landed because of this. Down in the dumps. Down in my spirit. Down. Everything has become mundane and those things once thought of in my childhood as "perfect" have lost their luster.

Like the pile of clothes on the half of my bed I don't use and like the rest of the "ME society", I push things I don't want to deal with....things like questions that I don't know the answers to...away until I forget about them (rather convienently, I might add). But what I've failed to realize is that these things..these scary and ugly things...must get dredged back up. They always resurface. I always have to face them again. Pushing them off for the moment doesn't mean they go away.

Even as I write this, there are things in my heart bubbling to the surface that I tamp down because the human in me is too afraid to deal with them. What I do realize is that at this very moment, I have and serve a God who is superior to everything you could ever name and so much more. A God who knows every answer to every question but knows which answers to tell me and which answers I do not need to know. Does this scare me? No. I cannot do everything. I CAN, however, do ANYthing "through Christ who strengthens me."

The answer to those unanswerable by me questions....is God knows. He knows everything.

One final question: Have YOU prayed for Kate McRae today? Please take the time to read her story through her parents in the "Journal" section of http://caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate

Water

I have an ulcer. Most people get rid of them in a few days. Not me. Mine seem to stick around for WEEKS. As long as I keep my mouth shut...not a problem. But that's a problem for me. Not because I love talking (I do..but I can control myself). It's a problem because people assume I am snobby when I don't talk or smile. Truth is: I am in PAIN. Wet your panties and let tears run down your cheeks kind of pain. Seriously, would you want to talk much less smile knowing that would be the reward?!

I am sure by now the infection is within whatever is smaller than a millimeter from eating through my ENTIRE cheek, and soon, I will have an enormous hole in my cheek. Yep, totally sure of it. And what became of my immune system?! Isn't that supposed to fight off infections? Why isn't it working? Come onnnnnnnnn, Body! Work, work, worrrrrrrrrrk!!!

How ridiculous are ulcers?! I wish I were one of those people who were blessed never to have one. I am jealous of non-ulcer-getting people.

And now, I need to go to bed. Knowing that when I wake up, my ulcer will have intertwined itself into a strip of metal also known as my retainer and I will have to pull the burning flesh away from the wire and this will cause water to flow freely from my body.

If it just wouldn't burn, Mr. Ulcer (gotta be a male...) and I would get along perfectly. But, he has to burn.

Okay, enough. While Ulceeeeeeeerrrr (prounounced w/ a French accent) multiplies his ugliness, I need my beauty sleep.

It wouldn't be me if I didn't have an end note that was positive. God knows every ulcer I will ever get.

Love,
J