Stream of Consciousness*…

“While you’re sitting around thinking bout what you can’t change and worrying about all the wrong things…time’s flying by…moving so fast…you better make it count cause you can’t get it back.”

Um. Carrie Underwood, could you have sung a more perfect song?! I didn’t think so.

Yesterday, as I sat around listening to what everybody else was thankful for, I was thankful that if God saw fit, I will be done with school in a year and a few weeks.

Today, I am thankful for time. Time I spent with family. Time that I jumped…or leapt…off a rock not knowing if I’d ever find solid land again. Time when the only thing my hand held was faith. Time when I watched all control I ever even thought I had slip right through those hands. Time I loved and held nothing back

Time when I gut-wrenchingly wrote this post knowing loving holding nothing back is so hard. Not a two-way street.

Maybe I will always love that person more than they love me. Maybe I’m expecting them to show their love and missing the millions of ways they show that same love to me daily.

Maybe they think I’ll never love them as much as they love me.

Regardless, I’m thankful that love makes time worth everything I’ve got.

As Carrie sings in that same song, “It {love} sure makes everything else seem so small.”

 

Love is so big. So grand. So…impossible to understand. And to know that I am loved…well, that’s enough for me.

God’s love is perfect. Even when ours isn’t.

The end of this hodgepodge blog. :)

*When I title blogs this, I mean I am writing whatever pops into my head and flows out my fingers. Not stopping to correct. Or check for comprehensibility. Just….my thoughts.

Technorati Tags: love,small,stream of consciousness,living,Thanksgiving

Doncha?

You want me to say sorry, doncha?

You think I did you wrong, doncha?

You think you’re perfect stuck in a stinky life, doncha?

You think if you don’t get your way immediately, you an throw a huge fit and pretend everyone is horrible scum except for you, doncha?

But you know that truly you’re not the golden one, doncha?

You know I’m not saying sorry for the umpteenth time, doncha?

You know I don’t deserve to be treated the way you’re treating me, doncha?

You know I’m not standing for another single second of it, doncha?

I’m moving on. I refuse to let myself be treated like dirt. YOU chose your life. I’m choosing mine.

You know this is goodbye, doncha?

Tight…

Hank and I…we were tight. REALLY. We were. When he took his last breath recently, I was fairly annoyed. Doesn’t he know how many papers, lesson plans, and websites we had left to write and research?

Yes, my dear Blog Readers, my dear Hank LapTop died. And now I have a new one. I’m thankful for the new one (who remains nameless for now…no offence, new laptop).

But I miss the comfort of the old and familiar Hank. Hank who had all my passwords, edited pictures, and favorite websites saved.

Maybe I shouldn’t mention the fact that Hank wasn’t named until today. Or maybe last night. I can’t remember. But we were tight. Nameless-until-yesterday-Hank and I went through so many rough times together. And yes, maybe it is materialistic.  Nevertheless, I miss him. And I wish he’d revive himself. And that  he would teach this new laptop all his tricks—he had some of the best tricks.

Well I guess that’s it for now. Time to put this new laptop to sleep as she is still a baby and needs her rest. Or maybe I need the sleep.

I wonder if I should send announcements for the new arrival…

:)

J

Mirror-Image

I feel comfortable when I'm comfortable.

The second I feel pushed, I freak.

My prayers become something like, "Um. Lord, I know I'm not supposed to question you, but I was FINE being comfortable! I was FINE being in a place where I knew everything. Where I didn't feel inadequate. Can we just skip this part and go back to that comfortable place?!"

I hate the feeling of not knowing where my foot is going to land next. I'm a "I've-already-planned-twenty-years-ahead-so-you-don't-need-to-mess-with-me" kind of gal.

Come out of the box?! Um, no, thank you. I like my box. I even have my walls decorated. LEAVE ME ALONE!

But no. The pushing and trials comes. And I, scraping at the walls of my comfy (and totally chic) box in an all-out effort to stay in, am forced to come out and play in a world that I don't know.

Nothing seems familiar. No one looks or acts the same as they did when I looked out of my box's peephole. They're not at all who I thought they were.

Here in this world, I see their motives outweigh their conscience. I see their selfishness outweigh their kindness. I see their fears outweigh their trust. I see their hurt outweigh their joy.

And here in this world outside my comfy (and yes, totally chic) box, with these people who aren't at all who I thought they were, I am staring into a full-length mirror.

I never knew I could feel what I've felt in the last few days. I never knew I could see someone I didn't even know so completely and thoroughly.

The mirror has replaced the box, and I'm not entirely sure I ever wanted to know myself this well.

E.N.O.U.G.H.

Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not loved enough. Not healthy enough. Not worthy enough. Not here enough. Not there enough. Not quiet enough. Not caring enough. Not letting go enough. Not forgiving enough.

Just not enough.

And then, I realize, the devil is whispering these things in my vulnerable and oh-so-sensitive ears. And I listen. Ohhh-ho boy, how quickly I listen, and my heart and self-confidence drops about two inches.

You see, these not enough's cover up what God is steadily telling me. And I am oh-so-inclined to listen to the devil before I listen to God and what HE is trying to say to me through these whispers.

The truth is, I am not enough. On my own, I'll never be enough. NO, not even if I am good, smart, loved, healthy, worthy, here, there, quiet, caring, letting go, or forgiving enough, I will still not be ENOUGH. But I have and serve a Savior who makes up for my weakness and is made stronger through my weak times.

Right now, I am so very weak, so He is oh so very strong! So now, I'll rest in His arms knowing I am loved and treasured more than I'll ever know. And His arms are big enough to hold you if you'd let Him...

Tell Me

"How are you?" I ask a passerby in the hallway.

"Fine, thanks." (Her eyes say: But really, I am not fine, because my boyfriend just broke up with me and my mom is a million miles away in a jail because she is hooked on drugs and I don't even know if there is a God listening to me because for so many years, I thought I had the perfect life. The perfect dream life. And like that, it's gone. And now, I'm stuck here. Plugging away at what little future I have left. But I'll spare you all those details because I know you don't want that truth, and just say, "I'm fine.".)

MY heart says: Though I don't know you, I WANT the details. Not because I'd like to spread rumors, degrade you, or any other mean thing. But because I love you. I love your essence. Because there IS a God who listens and loves you to the end of the earth and beyond. Because you're an amazing person with an amazing future if you will just begin being honest with yourself and with me. I am not one of those fake, "How are you" ers. I MEAN How. Are. You? Please, please, please, tell me.

Tell me, so I can pray for you.

Tell me, so I can love on you and be a shoulder for you to lean on.

Tell me, because I know the King of Kings who was willing to lay down His life so that you could live eternally.

Tell me, because I'd be more than happy to introduce Him to you.

Tell me, because you, dear one, are not "fine."

But "Fine, thanks," is all I get, and we walk on. I, never knowing her full story. She, never knowing how much I wanted to listen. To show her SOMEONE cares. In fact, two someones care-God and myself.

Doesn't everybody?

Lately, I've been dealing with having been put on a pedastal for everyone else to look at and judge.

That sounds so silly, but it's true. Because of who my parents are (both in leader positions in people-populated jobs), my every step is monitored. And every step is reported back to my parents. Not that I've tried that last part out. Or that my parents ask for my life to be reported back to them. But it is. Reported back. Not even my buying a Reese goes unnoticed. Ok. Well, maybe there was that one Reese in the bookstore at college that...well, who cares about that?!

My parents trust me. (Good thing.) They know my personal code of morals is high. (Also a good thing.)

But. Everything I do, put on Facebook, say to anyone gets turned into this circus freak show that EVERYONE has to tell EVERYONE else about. Why? Because it's me. Because I am doing it, putting it on Facebook, and telling it. Because I should be perfect.

NEWSFLASH: I'm not. I'm just an ordinary girl with an extraordinary God who forgives, unlike some who decide my every move must be labeled and categorized and reported.

I have moments where I melt down. So what? Doesn't everybody?! Don't YOU?! I have a heart. I have feelings. I cry. I laugh. I scream. I'm scared. I'm fearless. I wish. I fail. I dream. I pray. Just. Like. You.

But I'm going to keep giving my life my everything. And you can keep judging me. Doesn't everybody?

One day...

Well, the man of my dreams hasn't been in my dreams lately. In light of nearly all of my friends being married, engaged, or dating, my heart sighs and remembers I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the Creator. One day, a certain guy will steal my breath and make me giggle (take THAT, Mr. Man In My Dreams...you did NOT make me giggle!).

One day, I won't view couples kissing as vomit-inducing. {I HATE pda!}

One day, I won't roll my eyes in the movies when the award-winning kiss is shown {Seriously, who gives awards for THAT?!}.

One day, I won't shudder when I see a girl giggling at a guy doing some stupid something or other. {And I won't view the something or other as stupid either...I'll be all "That's so cute...giggle!"} I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Shudder.

One day, I'll understand why it is women feel the need to spend mass amounts of money on a stupid wedding day {The day won't be stupid to me either...but you probably guessed that.}

When the above happens, feel free to remind me of this post. :)

I'm just going to jump right in and see what we get.

These last 6 months have been so hard. Filled with trials. Filled with heartache.

These last 6 months have been the most proving of my entire life. Trying to prove that I had staying power. Proving that I didn't have any staying power on my own. Proving God is in control. Proving He has my life and my being in His hand completely and fully capable of wrapping me in His love, care, grace, mercy, and forgiveness.

Nothing happens over night. I get that. Many nights, I went to bed with my heart literally shouting to God, "There is no way I can make it on my own. I am fixing to collapse. Please hold me up!"

And there were many mornings when I realized that God IS holding me up.

And now, I realize that if everything had happened on my time (OVERNIGHT, maybe?!), or the time I thought would be perfect for certain events, my life would be ridiculously unhappy.

Sure, I would have rathered graduate YESTERDAY instead of a year and a half, but I am still thankful that I didn't. That I haven't graduated.

Who knows what's up ahead? I surely don't. Yesterday, I thought FOR SURE, I'd be in bed by now, but God had different plans, and here I am. Writing a blog. At 2:19 a.m. In this moment, I am tired. In this moment, I want to erase everything and go to sleep.

BUT. In this moment, I will choose to publish what's on my heart. Because tomorrow, it might make all the difference in the world.

--J

The day I fell in love...

I did something I didn't know was possible. I fell in love. With a man. Who stole my breath. Made me realize the moment was worth living for. Worth waiting for. Worth every dream I had ever had.

He kissed me gently and told me I was his everything next to God as a light breeze fluffed my hair and ruffled his. I told him his LSU Tigers were competing with my spot in his heart. (JOKING of course...but seriously...he does love them...or he did)

He looked at me with sparkling eyes, as if I was the only thing he could ever see. And I'm pretty sure in that moment, my life changed forever. My view shifted. My heart sighed (you know...that school-girl-movie-style sigh that means the girl is fixing to go gaga over the boy). My toes curled in my bronze glittery flats.

And then, I woke up.

Just a stupid, dumb, irrational, ridiculous, oh-NO-way-was-that-a-dream dream. It was so flawless. So perfect.

And I still think about the stupid, dumb, irrational, ridiuclous, kiss that happened in the oh-no-way-was-that-a-dream dream . Still. Weeks after. And my toes still curl.

And my view is still changed. I hadn't known before this dream if I'd ever find a boy that'd make me feel like that. Didn't know if he existed or not.

Apparently, he does-if only in my dreams. If you happen to meet him, please tell him he can visit my dreams anytime. And if he feels like making an appearance in real life, I'm here.

But it's so embarrassing to know that, after telling so many people it'd be years til I got married, my dreams have decided I need a man now. My head and my dreams have many conferences everyday. Neither agree on the topic.

I'm siding with my dreams for now ;-)

To Quit or Not To Quit

What do you do when you feel life slipping you by?

Recently, I began a photography business with one of my closest friends. And more recently, I was put in my place when a couple of clients didn't like my work that I did for them.

When the 1st didn't like it, I just said, it's one person. Who cares? When the second didn't like the photographs, it felt like two tons of bricks I was suddenly trying to balance on my crushed shoulders.

What do I do? Obviously, because two people don't like it, I am never going to be liked by anybody. How can I be the lame appendage in this partnership? Why can't I be liked?

I became quite angry. How in the world could they not like what I poured my soul into?! They just don't understand the art.

So I sat back. Life passed me by. I was sad and angry. As I tried to figure out how to tell my business partner that I am very sorry but I can't and won't be the lame appendage holding her back.

I was going to quit. No one took me seriously anyway. Who in the world would believe that a 20 year old was passionate and serious and mature enough about photography to begin a business? Apparently, per these two customers, nobody in their right mind.

But quit I did not. For some (I thought insane) reason, I held on to what spindly threads of pride and patience I had and never said, "I quit," to my partner.

I had worked so hard to become who I was at that point. To be knocked down was not going to be knocked out.

Then, another of my friends said this to me,

"Don't worry about them not liking your work. That's what makes art so great. What one person may hate, the very next person may love! It's all about individual preferences. Don't put THEIR dislikes on your shoulders as you lacking at your work. Even though photography is always changing and growing and there's always new things to learn, know what you do is great and ever evolving."

Talk about earth shifting and breath taking. Is she seriously saying that them not liking my work is ok?! YES, SHE IS! And it is so true. They have a right not to like it. It's their opinion. Nothing personally against me. I am the one who views my work so personal.

No, they don't understand the art. If they did, they'd be photographers. But I can't hold that against them and I can't let that hold me back. All I can do is do my art, love what I do, and present it to them.

Then, nervously wait to see if they like it or not. And if they don't, throw off the bricks and move on never stopping to consider quitting.

My Vocal Cords Just Keep Vibrating...

Let us face the truth together.

I say exactly what I think exactly when I think it. Most of the time. (YES, there are occasionally times when I do NOT say exactly what I am thinking...even though I know you don't believe that...pahaha!)

And most of the time, I wouldn't say this telling-what-I-think is a bad thing.

But SOMETIMES, it is.

Sometimes, I'd like to throw myself into an isolated room until I learn to keep my vocal cords unvibrating (YES, I do KNOW unvibrating is not a word. But I guess it is now :). Or at least until I can't stand the silence anymore.

And some people would really love it if I would throw myself into the isolated room.

B-U-T I don't. I simply keep those vocal cords in great shape and exercise them every chance I get.

Sigh. Maybe one day...

We Lie

It took me a while to realize that goldfish, when they died, did not, in fact, swim back into the ocean via the toilet. They were just dead.

Now, before you label me as gullible, I never (as in since birth) believed in Santa Clause. Or the Easter Bunny. Or the--well, you get the point. I am not easy to trick. I am not dumb.

There are just some things that hit me (at profound and remarkable times) and strike me as surprising. Even though I might have KNOWN it, I had never REALIZED that I knew it.

And it wasn't until a few months ago that I REALIZED my dead goldfish just die. No swimming out to the ocean to rejoin their friends. They went into a septic tank to join millions of bacteria cells.

And so, when these profound and remarkable events hit me, I have a tendency to let whoever-is -standing-near-me know of my extreme insight. And they, well, they look at me like I have no brain at all. REALLY, they are just in awe that they, in their moments of insight, had never realized this either. But they PRETEND like I am dumb, and I remain with my mouth agape thinking, "WHY are they not finding this amazing?!"

So, my blog readers, I am here to tell you, goldfish do not swim back into the ocean once they die. Tragic, huh?

My reasoning for coming to this conclusion, however, was NOT that a goldfish of mine died. It was the following:

If Santa isn't true, and the Easter Bunny isn't true, and the Tooth Fairy isn't true, what else are we lying to our poor children about?

My answer:

Goldfish DON'T swim back to the ocean when they die and we put them in the toilet! A septic tank is on the other end of that flush! Gasp!

Seriously. They don't. And this makes me wonder. We lie to them about so many things (Santa, Easter Bunny, dead goldfish). And we are insanely surprised and angry when we catch them telling lies.

Um. Hello! We (adults) are not exactly taking home the cookie for "smartest in class".

Sponsored by the Tell Your Kid The Truth Campaign (for those who are still cookie-less, I made that campaign name up...)

So I sob....

Sometimes, all I can say in prayer is, "Dear God." That's it. I can pray no further than those simple words. My world is crashing, and I can't get anything but that out in front of a torrent of tears of frustration and cries of disgust.

Hiccupping my sobs and yelling anything but words. Just sounds. Sobs and sounds that could rend any sane person speechless.

I put off thinking about things. I hate crying in front of people, so I'm always alone when I decide to confront the mounting wave fixing to crash over me that I've tried so hard to run from.

I am frustrated beyond compare. I can't think past it anymore. I can't put off feeling anymore. I have to face it, and when I look at the big wave that is about to crash, I can only gasp and say, "Dear God," and then sob.

Sob because I can't do very much. Sob because I could change the world. Sob because I was right. Sob because I was so very wrong. I sob for all these things and so much more in a single moment.

It's like laundry. I let the issues pile up until they're a tsunami. Then, I actually wonder why it is I can't stop the sobbing before it ever starts.

(Now, I feel like I'm describing a depressed person. But I think if we were truthful, we've all sobbed at some point in our life.)

My point is, when I reach the end and can't cry anymore tears, more words come.

What are those words, you ask? "Forgive me."

"No, we can't play when we are in time out."

"Yes, we have to wipe your nose when it has mucus. Mucus means snot."

"We HAVE to eat instead of playing with our food."

So this is how the blog started--a list of things I say on a daily basis.

Then, I thought of what I DON'T say on a daily basis.

And the N word came to mind.

How is it that I can't/am forbidden to/can be imprisoned for calling an African American a "nigger" (which I don't make a habit of doing but I'm getting ahead of myself.) but it's perfectly tolerable if not morally acceptable for said African American to call me a "cracker"?!

I just can't understand that. BOTH are derogatory terms. Both discriminate. Both are racial slurs. But because I am white, I cannot call this African American a "Nigger" after said African American called me a cracker.

Why do I get slammed with a racist suit and title and guilt trip?!

Is it because of a slavery issue that existed over a hundred years ago? And if it is, GET. OVER. IT. Already! I, obviously, do not have a slave white or black. I did not tell those people to get slaves. An dif you MUST know, part of my ancestry WERE slaves. Yep, Native Americans were the first slaves in America.

So DON'T CALL ME A RACIST BECAUSE OF SOMETHING OTHER PEOPLE DID. Especially when you are being racist against me by your teeny tiny self.

Thus being said, if you call me a cracker, I am going to reply with a nigger. And you are not going to demand I apologize. And you are not going to call me a racist.

And if you DO demand I apologize and call ME a racist, I am going to give you a huge mirror to look at yourself.

Compesh?

And yes, I know it's not the Christian thing to do. Shoot, it ain't even the humane thing to do. But JOHN BROWN IT I AM SO ANNOYED! Annoyed that I must watch my every move when daily, these African Americans walk all over me and throw racial slurs against me. Annoyed that any move I make will be labeled as my being a racist.

Tell me something I don't know...

What does this mean?!

A Special Little Girl...

This Girl by Lisa

This Girl can jump

This Girl can sing

This Girl can do most anything.

This Girl can laugh.

This Girl can cry.

Sometimes I think this Girl can fly.

This Girl can hope.

This Girl can dream.

This Girl glows like a sunbeam.

This Girl is sweet.

This Girl is tough.

For the love of this Girl,

I can't thank God enough.

I can't think of more fitting words to describe such an amazing little (big) girl. May she always hold God's hand-

And the Water Came

Well, to add to the list of "Things I want in a home and will not budge from wanting" list: running water.

I had NO idea how many times a day I turn a knob for that precious resource to come. And I had not a clue to be thankful that it came.

Until it didn't come. I turned on the faucet today, and the thought has never and did not cross my mind until now that the water has an option NOT to come. The water was not going to listen to my every command?! WHAT?!!! Why is there a knob if it won't come?


I could parallel that option of the water to many things...namely our options in everyday life. Like where God is the turner-on of the faucet, and we are the water...choosing either to or not to come and be used for our purpose or refuse our purpose.

But I won't. I will not parallel the water to any other thing. Besides a willful child screaming at his/her parents in the MIDDLE of Wal-Mart. In which instant, the mother or father has a chance to either give in or stand up and demand their child's respect before they will move.

Nope. No paralleling tonight. None at all. Not even my picture parallels. No way did I equate the water not running on this piece of glass to the water not running in my predicament. Nope. Definitely did not do that.

Or did I?

Sad.

Sad that someone could lie to me.

Sad that that someone appeared so earnest.

Sad that that someone has lost my trust.

Sad that my trust could be lost over lies that shouldn't matter to me.

Sad that I can't "just get over it."

Sad that I'm so selfish that I want the truth told to me every second of everyday when I know I've told lies.

Right after I eat these Sweettart Chicks, Bunnies, and Ducks gifted by a true friend,

Maybe I'll get un-sad.

Maybe my own sins will turn my cheeks scarlet and make me get over the lies the person told me.

Maybe.

Today's Yesterday

Today, there was a wedding.

A happy father and daughter



Today, I took a lot of pictures. And had a lot of help taking pictures...this one below was photographed by my aunt (who is also an amazing photographer!) as I was running around like a-well, like a peacock in a peacock blue dress-

These girls mean some serious business...







Today, I happily did NOT catch the bouquet.





Today, I got asked the million dollar question, "When are YOU going to get married, Jessica?!"

(And today, this was my face when asked this question for the FORTY-NINTH TIME...)




I wrote all of the above just now to realize it was already tomorrow and those today's were yesterday's.




So here's to my yesterday...today.

All in a day...

My family and I just moved into a bigger house in December. Since our other house was so small, and we shared it with a mass of children under the age of 5 five days a week, we haven't been able to put out our Easter decorations. Not so this year. As you can see, the Easter tree is already up, and this bird is singing of its freedom! (Let's not ruin it by telling the poor thing that in a month, it'll be back in the box for a year...)

We are so ready for Easter!!!

I'll let you keep guessing at what this picture means...

Consistent...

Today. Changed. My. Life.

So cliche...but so true!

Today, I realized for certainty that I am so scared to change how I view something because of how I have viewed that something in the past. And since I let people know how I viewed it then, I am afraid of changing it now because they might call me a hypocrite....because I've changed my view.

We, as humans, have this huge bond with consistency. We thrive on it. We throw everything away (in some cases our new beliefs) because of it.

But that is sad. As humans, we also have new ideas and beliefs everyday. But a lot get discarded because we don't want our consistency rating with other people ruined and us have to fear getting called a hypocrite.

I have also realized that this doesn't make me a hypocrite. It makes me an average human being who simply has changed her mind.

Emerson said something along the lines of, "What if you contradict your self? What then?" He means, so what if your ideas are different than what they were yesterday? So what that people might call you a hypocrite? What is that going to hurt?

Now, it is hard. It is hard to change what you've told everyone you thought was the right thing to say-only to find out today that you shouldn' t have opened your mouth.

My consistency has been ruined. I now think a vastly different way regarding a particular issue, and I imagine some people won't let me get away without calling me a hypocrite.

But if everybody only believed what they've always believed, where would vitality be?

Now, I'm not talking drastic. I am speaking in the particulars. (Drastic would be something like changing religion. Particular means there is a certain thing on which my opinion has changed.)

I know this blog is a little incomplete, but it gives a lot to think about.

Are you consistent?

My first official photoshoot!

On Saturday, I did my first official photoshoot with my brand spanking new camera, and it was amazingly fun! Thanks to this little guy's Mama, his MiMi, his cousin, and his brother, we got many great laughs and awesome photographs!

I, of course, enjoyed every second of it as I figured out different little things on my camera.

Thanks, Clint, for such an amazing photoshoot :-) You are an awesome little boy.

Photography and Such....

I got a new camera....and I couldn't be happier.

Of the 178 pictures I have taken with this camera, these two are my favorites...no reason why.

Anyway, maybe now I am an official photographer. Maybe. But I never imagined myself as one. So being one is difficult because-well, because I don't know how to be one. Thus, I am trekking forward and beginning a new thing. A thing I had no idea about.

Of COURSE, I'd be a teacher. Of course, I'd love to play piano. But I had absolutely NO idea this photography thing (thing=total love of the photography) would come along.

Now keep in mind that this isn't somthing that I've elected NOT to do--it's just nothing I THOUGHT I would do. And now that I do, I am LOVING every minute of it.

This blog has mostly been about uncertainty. Glimpses into my world only when I couldn't figure out where to leap next.

However, today is different. Today, I KNOW without a doubt that I am SUPPOSED to do photography. Whether that entails opening a business or just doing it sporadically, I can't answer yet. All I can say is I fully enjoy it and wholeheartedly intend to keep enjoying it.

That's it for tonight. More pictures to come--I hope :)

I Fail on the Drive

Where to begin? It's hard. Life is hard. Everyday, there are new twists, new turns, and new trials.

Everyday, there are things I wish were never said, things I wish would have been said, and things I wish I knew how to say.


I have the hardest time with relationships. I am nice. And then, I say or do something mean. Not necessarily mean...but not nice. It's crazy. And yes, I know why. I drive people away. So they won't hurt me in the long run, I drive them away as quickly and as hard as I can. There are only a few people that stay through it. Only a few that can stand me.

Is it the right thing to do? No. Is it natural? I think so. My human side hates to be hurt. My human side, however, cannot stand to be lonely either. So after I have driven away people, I am still hurt.

I always end up thinking, "Now, why did I do that?"

It's a question I can't answer. Except to give the reason of my human side taking control.

Oh, how I wish I had a manual from God stating, "Jessica, these are your exact footsteps, where you are to go, and what you are to say, exactly how NOT to hurt people and you not get hurt either."

But there isn't. There is the Bible which lays out a plan. And I try to follow it. It doesn't promise no hurt. But it promises God will be there for me even when I fail.

And I fail daily.

On the Border

Sorry for the long delay! Didn't mean for it to be so long.

Going to be doing a bit of stream of conscious writing.

I'm a junior in college. Good thing. I almost lost my sanity back in the second sophomore semseter...seriously. I almost did.

I've had to tell 3 different people in the last month that, no, it isn't my first semester in college, that yes, I AM a junior, that I am 19, and that I really am not lying. And yes, I know I look too young. Got it. Understand. Completely.

Maybe when I am 40, I'll only look 30. Maybe by the time I'm 40, I will WANT to look 40. Who knows...I've got 21 years to figure it out...

Realized life is finite and definitely has an ending. 2 funerals in one month. No, thank you. I'd rather not. Oh, I don't have a choice? Well. My lands. Guess I'll go then. I went. They were sad. The kind of sad that makes you want to ball up your fists and sock a wall. Or something like that.


Well, those are my thoughts.

Happy reading,
J